Library Nazis?

I think my co-worker G. must be feeling a bit impish today.

A woman just came up and asked G. where they came up with the logo for our library system.

G. looked at her for a moment and said, " I think it's a swastika."

The woman looked taken aback and said, "Well, I think it is closer to a Star of David."

Why do we have to choose?

Honestly, I always thought it was quilt pattern. But evidently, it's like some kind of Rorschach test.
Hmmm.....

A Jerk in Any Other Language...

So, this man just came in and asked me if I speak Spanish. I told him I speak a little bit of Spanish. (we conducted the rest of this conversation in Spanish) He told me he was looking for a movie. I asked him for the title. There was a verb in the title I didn't recognize but that didn't stop me from looking for it. I couldn't find it in our system so I searched other ones. It never showed up. Finally, I asked him if the title could be slightly different since I couldn't find it. He finally told me that the whole thing was a joke.

He said, "The movie title means "Spank the Librarian."

I gave him a withering look. Thanks for offending me and wasting my time. I guess jerks are the same in any language.

Library as Local Nerd Repository

A young woman just came in and asked my co-worker G. to summarize the Odyssey for her because she was on her way to class. A five-minute summary probably isn't the best course of action. And it probably isn't entirely ethical for us to do someone's homework for them. But hey, we love to talk about Greek mythology. So, G. and I started telling her the story of the Odyssey. It was a bit overwhelming for her. When we got to the part about Odysseus proving himself by the stringing of his bow, I joked that:

"Of course, we really know that Xena was hidden under the table and she was really the one who helped Odysseus prove himself by helping him to string the bow."

The girl said, "Oh really?!"

G. and I laughed and hurried to tell her that no, Xena was not really part of the Odyssey.

But wouldn't it be funny if she brought that up in class?

As I Lay Trekking

A customer just came in and asked G. to renew one of her books.

"Yeah, could you renew it? It's a book by William Shatner."

G. paused.

"You mean, the one by William FAULKNER that is check out on your card?"

"Oh, yeah. Faulkner."

It's an easy mistake to make.

Is This Possible?!

Okay, so things are going from bad to worse around here.

About two years ago, a new Director hit town with all kinds of ideas about how to change the library. (She sits directly under the City Librarian) Clearly, she has never heard the saying, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." She preceeded to move our focus to multimedia items that "circulate." Thus, thousands of books are hitting the trash to make room for DVDs. Then, she decided to force each library into a "type" and then change the collection at each library to fit its "type." So, you can now no longer go into a library and find the typical things you would expect to find. If you want a children's book, you should go to one of the children-focused libraries. If you want a video, you should go to one of the media-based libraries. It's really ridiculous.

The ultimate happened today, though.

She has now decreed that not every library will have librarians. Some libraries will have computer terminals where you can chat with a librarian online. But there will be no physical librarians in some of our branches.

Call me crazy, but what is a library without a librarian? What is this world coming to?

The Library as Garden of Eden

So, we came into work on Saturday and there was a snake in front of our display cases. My boss immediately panicked and ran to the break room where we found her standing on a chair. My co-worker and I scooped the snake up and took him outside. I was afraid that people would start throwing large dictionaries at it if we didn' t take action.

Later that day, the Lord of the Ring came in and hinted that he wanted me to go to church with him. I told him there was a library policy about employees going to church with patrons. Sorry.

Maybe that snake was sign. A sign that I need to get out of this crazy place.

(In response to my last blog, the library does not back up employees in trying to deal with unattended children. We are not allowed to post signs or enforce policy. It's their way of backing up and empowering staff. ha. )

A Library or Just Inadequate Childcare?

One thing I have noticed in my time at the library is that many people try to use the library as free childcare. They will come and dump their children here and take off. Or they will tell their latch-key children to stay here until they get home from work. The problem is that we don't have the time or the resources or the responsibility to watch over these children. And we have had our share of perverts too.
Another problem is that parents will wander off to use computers and leave their kids without telling them where they are. Two lost little girls today were hiding in the children's section crying because they couldn't find their mom. I found the poor excuse for a parent on the other side of the library cruising the internet. It is so irresponsible and makes me so angry.
We have several well-meaning male customers who have tried to help lost children from time to time. On two occasions, we have seen a male customer pick up a female child and wander around the library with her looking for a parent. Now, I know they mean well, but let's face it, in this day and age it's not always a good idea for a male strange to carry around a female child. It just isn't. They should turn the child over to a staff member. Because inevitably the loser parent freaks out when they see a strange man carrying their child.
What's a library worker to do?

The Magical Bookdrop

A lady asked me yesterday,
"When I drop my items in the bookdrop, they are automatically checked in right?"

Yes, and little elves come and reshelve the books at night.

The library is truly a magical wonderland.

Lord of the Ring Strikes Back

Remember the Lord of the Ring? (henceforth to be referred to as LOTR) Well, he seems to have a little thing for me and always seeks me out in the library. I try to be pleasant and friendly while maintaining a safe distance.

Well, he comes in today and comes to the Circulation Desk. I greet him and ask him if the items he has are for return. He nods his head. I return them and he goes out into the stacks to look for more items.

After I came back from lunch, my co-worker G. pulled me aside to tell me that the Lord of the Ring had complained to our manager. He told her that he believes G. has turned me against him (LOTR) by claiming that he (LOTR) is a homosexual. He says I'm just not as friendly as I used to be and he knows it is G.'s fault. He is now going to the City Librarian with this tale of woe.

So, gentle readers, I if you hear in the news about a crazy person going in a shooting up a library because they claimed he was a homosexual, think good thoughts for me.

The DVD Phenomenon

We have just started receiving DVDs and I have noticed a new phenomenon taking place. We only have a few of them so we keep them on the circulation desk. As soon as we reach over the desk to reshelve one, people will grab it out of our hands.

"I don't care what it is as long as it's a DVD!!!"

"You do realize that you just ripped Wishmaster 18 3/4 out of my hands?"

"Yes but it's a DVD!"

It's the most bizarre obsession I have ever seen.

There is a man that comes in every day and gets more DVDs. I think he has pretty much made it all the way through our collection at this point. And that is all he ever checks out. I have to restrain myself from saying, "How about a book to go with your DVDs?"

I just put out a DVD documentary about Karl Rove. I can't wait to see who grabs it. After all, it's a DVD.

Typewriter Man

So, it is our policy in our library to charge ten cents a page for printouts. This covers the cost of paper and toner, etc. We also have a typewriter which is 25 cents for fifteen minutes of use. We give the customer two sheets of paper and after that we charge 10 cents a page. We do this to be fair and equitable. Since customers who print out are charged ten cents a page, it is only fair to also charge for paper use with the typewriter. Of course, people can bring in their own paper for free.

Well, Crazy Typewriter Man came in today and wanted a whole bunch of paper. I gave him two sheets and said he could come back for more at ten cents a page. He yelled in my face that that was ridiculous! We should give him all the paper he wants for free! I tried to explain about being fair and that this helped us cover the cost of maintenance and paper. I then suggested that he speak with a senior librarian or the city librarian to voice his concerns. He flew into a rage and shouted at me,

"I will not be talking to any LIBRARIAN! I'm going straight to the mayor's office about this right now! You'll be hearing from us!"

After he shook his fist in my face, I said to him "Good luck with that!"

C'mon people. Quit taking advantage of your library. We don't have any money and we can't supply you with office supplies.

And I'm sure the mayor will LOVE hearing about this.

5 Cent Lady

So, this woman comes in and turns in a book SO LATE that her fines come to $8.00. Immediately, she starts blaming the library for HER lateness. But she adds a new twist...

Lady: Well, I'm not paying that much. The library has only ever charge me 5 cents a day before. I was just here last month and only paid a 5 cent per day fine.

Clerk: Well, that surprises me because our fines have never been five cents a day. In fact, they are currently 25 cents per day per item.

Lady: Well, I've only ever paid five cents a day and I'm not paying more than that.

At this point, she pulls our her receipt from the month before which shows that she paid a 75 cent fine for being three days late. I point out to her that that equals 25 cents a day.

Lady: Well, I think it was much later than that. And I'm only going to ever pay five cents a day or I'm not going to use the library again.

This is one of my favorite arguments from patrons. They think they can treat us like a retail establishment. Threatening me with losing your business really isn't going to get you anywhere. Let's see....we make zero dollars off you a year and you are threatening to take away your business which would be a loss of zero dollars...hmmmm....

Clerk: So you are saying that although everyone else pays 25 cents a day for being late that you should only be charged 5 cents a day.

Lady: That's right.

Clerk: Well, when you sign up for a library card you agree to the terms. And as long as you turn items in on time, the service is absolutely free. This book was 32 days late. The fine will be $8.00.

Lady: Well, I'm never using the library again.

Clerk: Okay then. Enjoy Barnes and Noble and Blockbuster! (just kidding...I didn't really say that)

Library...Post Office...Same Thing

Our mail carrier just came in and handed me two library items that someone had dropped in the mailbox at the post office.

Now, I know we are both public institutions, people, but you can't mail items at the library and you can't return library items to the post office.

Just wanted to make that clear.

I Don't Get It

So, the Queen of the Non-Sequitors just came in and headed over to the reference desk where our intern was working. Our intern is a young brunette who is currently working on her MLS. So, the Queen asks her to put a few items on hold and while the intern is doing this, the Queen says,

"So, you're really not a blonde. You're more of a chestnut."

Um, thanks for the info.

What was the point of that statement? Anyone?

Your Local Head Shop

Okay, this is a first. I just returned a copy of the LOVE WIFE by Gish Jen and a bag of marijuana blunts fell out of it.

Gee, thanks dude.

The String Lady Returns

Remember the String Lady? Well, she returned a few days ago with new craziness for us. First, she approached my female co-worker K. and asked her, "Can I ask you a personal question?"

K. is a no-nonsense person so she said, "No. I will only answer questions about library business."

String Lady: "Could I just whisper it in your ear?"

K: "No."

String Lady: "Well, I just wanted to know if you stuff your bra."

(cue the crickets)

K: "If you have any questions regarding library business, I will be happy to answer them. Otherwise, I can't help you."

String Lady came up with a few more crazy requests but K. ignored her and referred her to our boss.

Never a dull moment...

Luddite Library Patron

Okay, we're feeling a little baffled.

Most libraries have moved to an online form of Ye Old Carde Catalogue. This isn't something new or even shocking. I haven't seen a library with the old-fashioned pull-out drawer card catalog in years.

Well, a man just came and looked around for the old school catalog and when he discovered that we only had a computer version, he flew into a rage and stormed out of the building.

Hey, buddy! Join the rest of us in the 21st century. Or even the late 20th for that matter.

Library for Your Pet

A customer came in today and asked me where we kept our cat videos. He had a thick accent and I tried to verify what he was asking.

"Do you mean the musical 'Cats'?"

"No! I want videos for my cats to watch."

Now, I know these things exist but I don't think the library carries them and I have no idea how to look that up in our system. I mean, we don't exactly have a section for "Pet Videos." So, I referred the customer to our Reference desk.

He didn't like that at all and left.

Maybe next time he comes in, I'll suggest videos about fish.

Yet Again...

The Queen of the Non-Sequitors came in today and as I was checking her items out, she pointed to two children checking out at the next computer. They were both under 5 and they were laughing and being silly.

She said, "Look at those kids!" She started laughing.

I said, "Yeah, they're really cute, huh?"

We both laughed and then she left.

About ten minutes later, the Queen returned. She waited for me to help a customer and then came up to me and said,

"Just so you know, I was laughing WITH those children. Not AT them. There's a difference."

Uh, okay.

She actually felt the need to return to the library to tell me that.

I love that lady.

We're Back

I know it has been awhile. We were strongly discouraged from continuing this blog but we will soldier on until they come to take us away.

So, the Queen of the Non-Sequitors came in today and while I was checking her out she said,

"I smell something. Some kind of fragrance."

"Well, I'm wearing perfume."

"That must be it. It's kind of...different. It smells like...I don't know what. What is it?"

"Vera Wang."

"What's that?"

"She's a designer."

"Oh, I've heard of her. She does expensive stuff. Well, it smells okay. It doesn't bother me too much. Bye."

Glad I could oblige.

The Gender Gap

I was making a library card for a gentleman today and while I was entering his information into the computer, he said to me,

"Be sure that you enter my gender as male. Because I'm a guy. And I didn't put it down on the form."

I looked at him for any sign of joking or humor. I didn't find it.

I made sure to enter him as a woman.

The Library Heartthrob

We have a new clerk here at our little library and already he is having an effect on the ladies.

A few days ago, this older lady said to him,

"Did anyone ever tell you that you look like a younger, cuter Woody Harrelson?"

"Um. no."

"And you have a really nice torso. You could be a model. But I bet you get that all the time. I'm not hitting on you, though."

"Uh, okay."

Hmm... Maybe B. SHOULD quit his day job. Wouldn' t that make a great story?

"I was discovered when I was working as a library clerk. Now, I'm a world famous torso model."

It would be like an E! True Hollywood story. In the meantime, I'm sure we will all enjoy watching the little old ladies swoon over B.

The Queen of the Non Sequitors Returns

Before I share today's brief anecdote, I would like to stress once again that you, gentle reader, only hear the very worst of library life. Most of our customers are quite lovely people. They are pleasant, friendly, polite, return their library items on time and cheerfully pay their fines. Some even bring us treats at Christmas. It's just the few bad apples that we tend to write about at the Dewey Diaries. But, they are the most interesting.

The Queen of the Non Sequitors (see earlier post) is actually a very sweet lady and we like her. When we see her walk in the door, we always eagerly anticipate what she will say because she has such a unique way of viewing the world.

Today, she came in talking about how hot it was outside.


"Whew! It's really hot out there."

I replied, "Oh really."

She paused and said, "Yeah, you know. From the sun."

OH! From the sun!

She then told me it was HOT enough to give you a sunburn.

I love that lady.

The Unaccountable

One of the things that makes me angriest about working at the library is the fact that most patrons do not want to take responsibility for themselves. They all come in with this sense of entitlement like the library owes them something. They don't seem to understand that using the library is a PRIVILEGE and not a RIGHT.

Case in point...

I was having a pretty good workday yesterday until about the last fifteen minutes. This woman comes in with a collections letter. Evidently, her daughter told her she had nothing checked out. In reality, she had thirteen books hidden in her room that were due in December. So, the mom gets this collections notice and finds nine of the books in the child's room. After checking those nine books back in, the fines went down to about $190.oo. I explained to the woman that if she found the last four, her fines would go down to $150.00. (basically, a maximum fine of $10 for each book and a $20 fine from the collections agency) Well, the woman throws a fit and refuses to pay saying that it is all the LIBRARY'S fault. She says the library has a responsibility to tell people if they have overdue items.

I know $150 seems harsh. However, we already have a 39 day grace period for children's items. And we DO give an automated phone call if an item is 10 days overdue. And send a letter after that. But we did not have the woman's correct info since she had moved.

The library is a great deal. You can check out all the DVDs, CDs, videos, books and magazines that you want for FREE! All you have to do is return them on time. It's not that hard. And yet, people like this woman continue to try to shift accountability for their actions onto the library. Amazing.

The Prince

This man came in today and asked me for the title "The Prince of Machiavelli." It took me a moment but then I asked him,

"You mean, "The Prince" by Machiavelli?"

I figured that would end the matter but he chose to argue with me.

"No, I think you're wrong. It's not BY Machiavelli. It's called "The Prince of Machiavelli."

I looked at him and thought, "Why is this guy arguing with me? I work in a library!"

I calmly told him that no, that wasn't the title. Machiavelli is the author. I ordered it for him and told him that if it ended up being the wrong one, he could send it back. I guess we'll see.

The Whiner

Ah Saturdays. So tedious. So tiresome. So full of whiners.

At my humble little library system, it is our policy that if a customer is waiting for an item, you cannot renew it. This holds true of any item in our system, regardless if it is new or not.

A customer approached my co-worker J. and just threw a ginormous s***fit just now because she couldn't renew an item because someone is waiting for it. She started yelling, "This is ridiculous! You should always get at least one renewal. No matter what!"

Now, if this woman was the one WAITING for the item, I bet we'd hear another story. She'd complain that someone was allowed to keep it for one three-week checkout to begin with.

So, this whiner is so upset that she demanded to speak the manager about the library's policy. So, far she has been bitching for about 15 minutes. And since we only have two librarians, this is causing a giant line at the reference desk while she pleads her groundless case.

Sigh.

The Marquis de Sade's Acolyte

Before I begin today's anecdote, I would like to address a certain topic. Blue2go wrote in asking about the library's homeless policy. Our library, like many others, has a policy of letting the homeless into the building on wretchedly cold days. This is a policy that I really like. (unlike most of the library's policies)

We have one homeless person who comes to our branch. I may have mentioned him before. We call him Smokey Lonesome. (after a character from "Fried Green Tomatoes") He comes in and looks at magazines all day and then leaves. One of my co-workers offered him a coat one time but he refused to take it. I worry about him during the coldest parts of the year and I hope he finds a warm place at night.

Now, on to today's story.

This crazy-eyed man came into the library recently to return some books and pick up some holds. All of his holds were books written by the Marquis de Sade. He grinned at me and asked me if I had ever heard of "this de SAY-d guy." [sic] I told him that I had read some of his stuff back in college and didn't care for it. Crazy-Eyes proceeded to expound upon the Marquis' virtues and how he had profound things to say about women.

Riiiigggghhttt.

Anyways, he said he was trying to read everything about the Marquis that he could get his hands on and that every night before he goes to bed, he reads a little bit of it. I'm sure that makes for sweet dreams. As I listened to this man spout absolute inaccuracies about the Marquis de Sade and his writings, I couldn't resist throwing in a little recommedation of my own. I guess I'll never learn.

I said, "Well, have you seen the movie "Quills?"

Crazy-Eyes responded, "Kills?"

"No, Quills! You know, like...a feather pen?"

I put the movie into his hand and felt I had accomplished some good in the world.

So far, the man has checked it out three times.

I hope that we don't read in the paper soon about a local crazy-eyed man who was conducting a sado-masochistic Romper Room in his basement based on books and movies he picked up at the library. Time will tell.

The String Lady

Sometimes working at the library makes me feel like a sad clown in the Theatre of the Absurd.

I walked out for my final desk shift yesterday and there was a woman standing there with paperbacks from our booksale covering half of the circulation desk. That in itself wasn't that strange. She had just paid for the books (approx. 30 mass market paperbacks) and one of our employees had given her a ball of string. Don't ask me why. So, the woman was working on this elaborate art project with the string and books. She was tying up little parcels of paperbacks books and covering them with string. But she didn't contect herself with this level of eccentricity alone...oh no....she had to accost other patrons as well.

She took it upon herself to chase after several customers and ask if they had small children. Ostensibly to inform them about the library's children's programs. Why she felt the need to act as our publicist, I don't know. Then, when a police officer came in to pick up his holds, she leaned across the desk and said, "I didn't know you people knew how to read." Nice. Then, she grabbed a book called Tropical Spa off of an endcap and ran over to an elderly Japanese woman with it. She thrust it into the startled woman's hands saying, "This looks like something you might be interested in." Really? On what basis?

After an hour of tying up books, the String Lady demanded that my co-worker J. load them into individual sacks for her and then promised to return soon.

We can hardly wait.

Don't Engage

Sorry we haven't written lately but we only want to bring you the choicest library anecdotes.

I have lost my ability to maintain a disinterested distance from my customers. I know I shouldn't comment or argue but I just can't stop myself.

Case in point...

This morning, a woman brought in two lost computer books. She had been sent to Collections and charged a lost fee and processing fee for each item. Because she returned them, we removed the lost fees and processing fees which left her with a $10 late fee on each item. The woman threw a fit and said it was ridiculous that she should have to pay $20 for the two computer books since she could go out and buy them for that much.

At this point, I should have just shut up and taken the money. But, of course, I didn't.

I just couldn't stop myself. This woman actually thought she could buy two computer books for $20. On what planet?!! So, I took it upon myself to school her a bit on the reality of the book world.

I picked up the books and showed her the purchase price....$60 for one and $40 for another. I said, "Considering how much computer books cost retail, you couldn't buy these two for $20."

"I could if I got them at Costco."

"Really. You think you could find these same EXACT two titles at Costco for less. Huh."

"$20 in fines for two books is highway robbery."

"Um, okay."

The thing is, I should just let these things go and not engage with the customers. My co-worker G. is great at that because he just doesn't care. But I still feel the need to correct people in their ignorance. I think my days at the library may be numbered.

The Return of the Phantom

You know how in most relationships you get to the point where the irritating things your partner does go from being cute to just irritating?

That's the point I think I'm getting to with the library.

We have so many customers and volunteers who are just as sweet and cute as they can be. But eventually, their little quirks start to drive you mad.

For example, this very dear old lady came to the library one time and got B., our librarian, to help her with the internet. He sat with her for an hour looking things up for her. She was so grateful and we all felt very happy that we could help her. Unfortunately, we set a dangerous precedent. Now, she feels entitled to this kind of service. She wants to sit behind the reference desk and have B. do all of her internet searching for her every time she comes in. Even if there is a line of people waiting for his help at the desk. Now, she certainly needs help and we are happy to do it but this causes quite a problem when you only have two and a half librarians to cover 48 hours worth of open library time in a given week.

We also have a volunteer who is very sweet and very dedicated. She has been volunteering for years and she never misses a shift. HOWEVER...she will only work with adult fiction books. She will not do returns with children's items or media items. Also, she has to have one certain cart and if we have stuff on it, we have to stop and unload it and move the items to another cart just so she can have that one particular cart. Also, she wants to have plenty of time to go through our booksale books before anyone else sees them and then go through our cash drawers to find state quarters that she is missing. I sometimes wonder how much time a volunteer actually saves us if she is so high maintenance.

I can think of many examples like these. People that we genuinely like but whose little quirks are starting to make us crazy!

Speaking of crazy, the Phantom of the Library came back in today to go through the whole irritating spiel with me again. I am so sick of talking about the Charles Dance t.v. version of Phantom with these people. You would think it was the most important thing in the world that they see this movie. If I have to deal with them much more, I may be the one to run mad through the basement of the library! I think we may eventually just take up a collection and buy them the stupid video just so we don't have to hear about it anymore! Damn you Charles Dance and your t.v. Phantom version!

(if you haven't read my tale of woe about the Phantom yet...follow the link below)
http://deweydiaries.blogspot.com/2005/02/phantom-of-library.html

Mea Culpa

So, I know it seems that we were picking on a sweet little old lady in our last entry. The only reason I included the anecdote was because this woman had a history of crazy questions and librarian abuse. Obviously, we always try to offer the best customer service possible. We have been known to drive to other branches on our lunch hours to pick up books for customers. We have loaded up bags of books and carried them out for our elderly customers. We have made long-distance calls on our own dimes to find something for a customer. I myself have gone over to an assisted living establishment to make library cards and hand out information on my own time. Because we are in a small branch, we often develop personal relationships with our customers. However, we also see examples of the very worst in people. Woman in fur coats ranting about having to pay a twenty cent fine. People complaining about not getting their DVDs fast enough. Mothers bragging about how their kids can watch TWENTY videos in one week. (they actually think this is something to be proud of) I bear no ill will towards Crazy Lady. It just amazes me sometimes with the stuff she comes up with. If it had been anyone else, we probably would have found the episode cute and endearing. I promise, gentle readers, there is no elder abuse going on here. Most of our patrons we really truly like. But they just don't make for good Dewey Diaries material. And we have to keep our readers entertained.

Someone Call the People in White Coats!

We try to only write in the Dewey Diaries when we have especially choice anecdotes. Luckily, that seems to happen almost every day. I was getting worried that we wouldn't have anything for you today but then....

There is a crazy lady who loves to call the library. Unfortunatley, we don't have an epithet for her yet. Let's just call her....Crazy Lady. Anyway, she calls with absolutely ridiculous questions and then never seems satisfied with the answers she receives. She will try and keep the librarians on the phone for hours. It often gets to the point that they have no other recourse but to hang up on her.

Well, we heard from Crazy Lady again tonight. She called and asked for the Reference Desk. This was her question...

"I'm stuck in my garage and I want you to tell me Jerry's phone number. He's the guy that repairs my garage door."

Oh, right! Jerry! Everybody knows Jerry!

The librarian was unable to get any more information out of Crazy Lady and didn't know what to do. The woman got more and more agitated as she couldn't understand why we couldn't find Jerry's number. Eventually, the librarian had to hang up on her.

How do you get stuck in your garage anyway? If she can't find Jerry, maybe we have heard the last of Crazy Lady. I kinda hope so.

The Phantom of the Library

As if I don't suffer enough little indignities each day in my job...

A woman came in today to pick up a hold. It was the DVD "Phantom of the Opera" with Lon Cheney. When she saw the DVD, she started freaking out.

"Why do you people keep doing this to us?!! We don't want the Lon Cheney version. We want the tv miniseries with Burt Lancaster. And Teri Polo. And Charles Dance."

I looked up the version that she wanted and noticed that it was currently on order for the library. And that this woman was on the wait list. I told her that we had ordered it and that she was first in line for it but that it hadn't come in yet.

"That's a lie! You are just not telling the truth! We have been waiting for this movie SINCE NOVEMBER!!! You're just lying to me."

Like I would lie about something as serious as Phantom of the Opera with Charles Dance.

So finally, I told her, "Well, you can either wait for this version to come in or, if you really need it, you try and find it at Blockbuster."

She gave me a withering look and yelled, "I'm not going to PAY for a video!"

And then she stormed off as I said, "Well, I guess it's not that important, huh?"

I hate being yelled at for irrational reasons. After this unsettling altercation, I decided there was only one thing to do. I put the LON CHENEY version BACK on hold for her. I can't wait to see her face when it comes in AGAIN. Maybe it will finally push her into madness. I picture her roaming the basement of the library with her face covered in genre stickers, haunting us all with her singing and organ playing.

Disclaimer

Gentle Readers--
We at the Dewey Diairies do not believe in censorship. However, we do have a well-developed sense of self-preservation. So, it was our sad duty to remove a few comments from our last post. Not for any digressions or moments of impropriety. Simply to protect our anonymity. Thank you for your understanding. We may not love our jobs but we still need them. Plus, the mask of anonymity allows us to be so wickedly blunt and truthful. It's fabulous.

The Moral to this Story...

All right children, gather around. I have a story to tell you.

Once upon a time, some people decided to buy a house right next door to a public library. Before long, they became very irritated with all the comings and goings and other activites that surrounded this library. Now, being good Americans, they didn't say to themselves, "Well, I guess we made a bad decision moving into this house next to a library." Instead, they went to their city councilperson and complained about the noise from the library delivery trucks. Because of these people, delivery is now always delayed by two days, inconveniencing hundreds of people.

But that's not all, little children.

One day, the library neighbors' house was broken into. Now, that is very unfortunate. But they didn't exactly live in the nicest and safest of neighborhoods. But, true to form, the neighbors immediately marched in to blame the library. They demanded that the library build them a new security fence since the intruders "probably" came from the library parking lot. Chances are, these people will get their way and your poor library workers will be out in the cold building a fence

The moral to this story, children, is that the squeaky wheel always gets the oil. So never take responsibility for anything and always blame someone else!

Death and Taxes

People say that there are only two things in this world that you can count on...death and taxes. I would like to add one more. You can count on the fact that people will drive you crazy about tax forms to the point that you want to kill them. (that's where the "death and taxes" allusion comes in)

Ever since I've worked in this library system, we haven't carried tax forms. Yet every year starting in mid-December, people start coming into the library asking for them. They get very passionate on the subject. I have to wonder why people need tax forms in mid-December in the first place. People aren't even required to send your tax stuff like W-2 forms until the end of January anyway. But people get very fanatical on this subject. You can try telling them that tax forms are available on the internet or that they can call to have them sent but people get very offended by those suggestions. "I thought all libraries carried tax forms! You had them last year!"

Uh, no we didn't.

Today's Dewey Diaries comes from another branch in our system that puts a new spin on this tax form irritation.

A woman called this library branch demanding to know WHY she hadn't received her tax forms yet in the mail. Well, first of all, we're not the government. And second of all, we're not the post office. So, why would we know where your tax forms are? The best part, though, is that when the circulation desk picked up the call and heard the question, they immediately transferred the call to Reference. Like the librarians would know where this woman's tax forms were.

So, People everywhere take note, we do NOT carry tax forms.

The Post 9/11 Willies

Ever since 9/11 and the inception of the Patriot Act, I have noticed that people get really crazy trying to do their "civic duty." I guess civic duty now means "inform on your neighbors" and "ignore civil rights."

For example, one woman came up to the desk to pick up her hold. The hold happened to be a copy of the Koran. Before she took the book, she looked at me and asked, "Can you tell me who had this book before me?"

I responded, "No, I can't do that. That would violate privacy law."

The woman then replied, "Well, I just want to know if any MUSLIMS (she actually whispered this word) had it before me because they might have put anthrax or something in it to poison Americans."

"Well, I've handled it and my co-workers have handled it and none of us have keeled over so that's all I can tell you."

I mean, c'mon lady!

Another woman (why is it always hysterical women?) came up to me one day to tell me that "an Arab man" was looking at bomb-making on one of our computers and she wanted me to call the police. Well, we also have people looking at pornography and, even worse, Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code website, but I'm not calling the police on them. It's called "free speech!" Look into it.

People, just because someone is looking at something that you object to on the internet doesn't mean it is for nefarious purposes. Maybe they are doing research or writing a paper on the subject. Although certain powers that be want us turning on each other and becoming local government informants, some of us still believe in free speech and privacy and will continue to fight the good fight against censorship.

The Conspiracy Theorist

A man just came into the library and asked me if we carry the book "Vaccine-A: The Covert Government Experiment That's Killing Our Soldiers." I looked it up and found that we had a copy on the shelf and gave him the call number. He told me he didn't want the book, he just wanted information on it.

He wanted to know how many copies we had and if people were checking them out. I told him the majority of the copies were currently available. So no, it's not a hot item.

He then wanted to know if the FBI was monitoring who was checking it out.

I told him that the FBI could only look at our records with a warrant. He wanted to know if I was absolutely, positively sure that the government wasn't monitoring this book. I told him I couldn't absolutely, positively tell him for sure but that that was our policy.

The then went and grabbed the book off the shelf and waved it in my face telling me that it was 100% true. He said he was a Gulf War vet and the government experimented on him giving him everything from rheumatoid arthritis to multiple sclerosis. I wasn't sure what to say so I said, "Wow, that sucks."

He then stated loudly, "I will NEVER stop telling people about this book!"

And then he stalked out of the library.

Well, okay then. Good luck with that.

Don't Come Here for Tech Support

Just now, a sweet elderly lady came up to the desk to ask my co-worker G. a question.

She wanted to know what HDTV was because she had just gotten a DVD player for Christmas and read in the instructions that you should check if you have an HDTV. She wanted to know how she could check if her current television was an HDTV.

G. replied, "Well, I haven't seen very many of them. They're pretty expensive and chances are you don't have one. They look different from regular tv."

Lady: "Oh really? How are they different?

G.: "Well, HD stands for High Definition. When you are watching it, it feels like you are falling into endless space."

Lady: "Oh my. I'm not sure I'd like that."

G.: "Yeah, it's like looking into an aquarium only with little people instead of fish."

Lady:"Oh, really?"

G."Yeah, it will totally blow your mind. I'd be careful if I were you."

At this point, the lady looked at me and whispered, "I think he's high."

And G. said, "I'm high on library science. Yeah!"

Never let it be said that we don't have fun tormenting our customers.

Could this Humble Library Worker be next?!

Check out this article on a poor British bookseller who got sacked for blogging about his job.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/online/weblogs/story/0,14024,1388466,00.html

As least in the good ole' U S of A we still believe in free speech! Am I right? Who's with me? (Do I hear the sound of crickets chirping?)

Just in case, we'll still keep things anonymous here.

The Sexiest Couple at the Library

There is an Indian couple that comes into the library on a regular basis and they only check out videos and DVDs. Sounds pretty normal, right? But wait! There's a twist.

The videos are all sex-related in some form or fashion. My co-workers and I think they regularly do a sweep of the library catalog searching for the keywords: sex, nudity or erotic.

It's getting to be quite amusing. When the delivery comes in, we always jokingly make catcalls and wolf whistles when we see the latest sexy addition to this couple's movie repertoire.

I think my favorite moment was when "The Passion of Christ" came in as a hold for them. I turned to G. and said, "Boy, are they going to be disappointed!" And then we collapsed into hysterics. I wonder how it went over. Hmmm...

Ever since this couple rolled into town, the library has gotten a whole lot sexier!

Your Information Clearinghouse

Since when did it become a prerequisite for a library job that you have to know EVERYTHING?!!

Five minutes ago, a gentleman with overdue books (!) came in to pick up some new holds. After I helped him, he asked me where to find information on bus schedules. I told him I thought that there was probably a website with that information but I wasn't sure what the web address was.

The man immediately got angry and started yelling at me about how at the OTHER library branch the person behind the desk knew the answer to his question and he couldn't understand why I didn't. "You'd think you could come to the library and people would be able to answer your questions! After all, you're standing behind the desk!!!"

Since when do I have to know the answer to every idiot question just because I stand behind a desk?!!

I really wanted to go off on the guy but I managed to control my temper. After all, if he rides the stupid bus all the time, why doesn't HE know where to find the bus schedules!!!

Some days, it's hard to find the humor in this job. People get so irate over the most inconsequential things. And they direct all their anger at you. And it gets really old. I think on my last day at the library, I'm finally going to tell all these bastards exactly what I think of them.

The Russian Gambler

Well, Dewey Diaries is back from the holidays with more exciting stories from the front.

There is a man who used to come in around closing every night. He was Russian and he was always looking up websites on gambling. And he was a real jerk. He would always refuse to leave when we closed and was always causing problems. One night, as we were trying to lock up, he came up to the circulation desk to pick up his printouts. It is our policy that people can print documents from the internet at a cost of ten cents a page. Well, this jerk comes up and has printed about fifty pages and he only has about 25 cents. He starts arguing with me that I should just GIVE him the printouts for free. I told him I would hold the pages for him if he wanted to come back the following day to pick them up but that he couldn't have them for free. Of course, these were pages about gambling that he needed that night so that didn't make him happy. He threw a fit and stormed out of the library. On his way out, he stopped and said to my co-worker G., "Your sister is crazy!"

G. responded, "Oh, she's not my sister."

Note: G. did not say that I wasn't crazy. He just said I wasn't his sister. Thanks, buddy.

The Russian Gambler disappeared for awhile after that. But recently, he has been seen in the library. Maybe we'll experience more magic together. In the meantime, I would suggest that he learn not only "when to hold 'em" but also "when to walk away."