Marvin the Martian

This anecdote comes from a librarian at another branch and just goes to show you that sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction...

On Tuesday night, a patron approached the reference desk with a question.

"I've been hearing that white whales and aliens are responsible for the TUnamis [sic] that are killing all those people."

S., the librarian, steels herself for the big question.

"So, what I was wondering is....can you tell me which planet the aliens are from that are causing the TUnamis [sic]?"

I asked S. what she said.

"I said the only thing I could say. I...don't...know."

Ain't life grand?

The Cat Pee Lady

Sometimes, working in a library can be very very unpleasant.

We have a bookdrop for the return of library materials at the front. The clerks are responsible for emptying this bookdrop and returning the items inside. Unfortunately, the bookdrop can often be like a box of chocolates...you never know what you are going to get.

For a period of time, when you would stick your hands into the bookdrop and pull out a stack of books, you would find that your hands would be covered in a foul-smelling sticky substance. Yes, my friends, the books were covered in cat pee. And they were brand new books that had only circulated once. We had to throw all of them away. This happened several times until finally, we caught the perp. It was a little old lady and my boss did the honors of slapping handcuffs on her and taking her away. Actually, she just gently told her about the problem. But wouldn't it be funny to send something to jail for cat pee digressions?

Ah, the bookdrop. So many adventures in one place...

The Circular Logic Phenomenon

One thing that I have learned during my time at the library is that people will slowly try to lure you into insanity with their faulty logic and reasoning.

For example, at one time, the library allowed unlimited renewals on items. When you renewed an item, it would renew from that very day. So, if a book was due on January 3 and you renewed it on December 27, it would be due three weeks from Dec. 27. Does that makes sense? Well, evidently it didn't to a lot of people. I had one woman get furious with me when I renewed all of her items instead of just one. She insisted I was causing her to "lose" time. I tried to explain that she had unlimited renewals and that she was still getting an additional three weeks but she drew me into her web of circular logic and tried to confuse me.

"By renewing it early, you are causing me to LOSE three days! It wasn't due yet and now I won't have as much time!"

"But...you can still renew it again and you still have three more weeks."

"NO! Don't you see?!! I've just lost three days because of you!"

I started to sweat. She was pulling me into her maze of circular logic. Could she be right? Did I just rob her of three days of delicious bookreading? What am I? Some sort of animal?! Am I mad?!

In the end, I gave up trying to explain it to her. But it really caused me to doubt myself. And that is death for a library worker.

Today, I got into a ridiculous argument with a gentleman who refused to give me his card number to reserve a computer. He shook his head and said, "No, YOU put YOUR card in to reserve the computer for me."

"Uh, I'm not using my card, sir."

"Well, I'm not going to give you MY card number. YOU use YOURS!"

I started thinking that maybe I was on Candid Camera. Then again, why the hell was I standing there arguing about this with this lunatic? Am I going mad?!

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy...

The Candy Collections Lady

Okay, this is one from today.

This older lady comes over to the circ desk and she appears visibly agitated. She immediately starts complaining to my co-worker E. that she has had a book about candy-making on hold for OVER A MONTH and we only have ONE COPY and the woman who has it checked out WON'T RETURN IT!!!

She said we should consider that stealing and that we should call the woman at home and insist that she return the book. E. tried to explain that we never know the circumstances involved and we don't place personal calls about returning items.

Again, the patron goes on about how she has had this book on hold OVER A MONTH and it's the ONLY COPY and she needs it for making candy for Christmas and the woman who has it checked out WON'T RETURN IT and that should be considered the SAME AS STEALING!
And we should go out and GET THE BOOK BACK!

Who knew that candy-making books could inspire such passion?! Maybe we should hire this woman as our collections person. She could track down all the baking, cooking and candy books that people seem to REFUSE TO RETURN! What sweet revenge that would be.

Danny, the Wonder Boy

At one of the library branches I used to work at, there was a little boy named Danny who would always come in with his dad. Danny was probably about 3 years old when I knew him.

He was so cute. Very serious and thoughtful. When I would offer him his choice of stickers, he would always put a lot of thought into his choice.

Danny's father was really into Classical music and he would order a lot of CDs. He would always get Danny excited when they came in.

"Hey Danny, we got Beethovan today. Yea!!!"

Danny would jump up and down about Beethovan like most kids get excited about Elmo.

Here are my two favorite Danny stories:

1) One day, Danny asked his father what a sign said. I don't remember what the text was but all the words began with the same letter. After his dad read it to him, Danny said, "Hey Daddy! That's alliteration." My jaw hit the floor. Danny's father told me he had just learned about what alliteration was. I have decided that if I have kids, they will be listening to Classical music.

2) One day, Danny came in wearing the cutest little sunglasses. He and his dad were picking up the latest Sheryl Crow CD. When Danny saw what they were getting, he started jumping up and down and shouting something I couldn't understand. I turned to his father for a translation. His dad said, "He's saying 'Soak up the sun.' He loves that song." I had a vision of Danny sitting in his carseat with his sunglasses on, the wind blowing through his hair, singing along to "Soak Up the Sun." It made my day.

Please feed your library workers

Here's something you may not know about your local library workers...we live for treats. Usually, around the holiday season, some of our patrons bring us treats. Cookies, cakes, chocolates. mmmmm...

It's a time of year we really look forward to. And I'm not too bashful about dropping hints to customers either.

My favorite form of hint-dropping is when a customer is checking out cookbooks about baking or desserts. I joke that they have to bring us samples of whatever they cook. "Sorry ma'am, library policy."

So, think of your poor starving library workers this holiday season. Here's a little known fact about library workers...we're sugar-powered. It's true. Sad, but true.

Nicknames

You may have noticed that we like bestowing epithets on our customers and co-workers. I thought that today I'd share some other epithets with you and the reasons behind them. Again, some are from our Barnes and Noble days....

"Cakelicker"--This guy got an erotic cake for his birthday in the shape of a pair of breasts. He loved being photographed licking the cake. Weird.

"Stuntc**k"--This guy couldn't stop talking about how hilarious the movie "Orgazmo" was and really liked one particular scene so this name sort of stuck.

"Little Debbie Snackcakes"-- She was short, cute and round and her name was Debbie. 'Nuff said.

"Caligula"--This woman dressed for work like a cocktail waitress with thigh-high boots and mini-skirts. And she would go to the shelf for customers' holds and bend over without bending her knees thus giving everyone a show.

"Yvanehtnioj"--This nickname comes from the "Simpsons" episode where people were being brainwashed into joining the Navy. We had a very unpleasant co-worker who was dating a military person and she was dyslexic. So this name seemed to fit. (hint: read the nickname backwards)

"Oreo Cake"--A co-worker who just adored cakes make out of Oreos. Who knows the inner workings of the human heart?

"Johnny Shellshocked"--This customer is a veteran and he is a little too intense. He kind of scare us a little bit. But he served his country and I appreciate that.

"Smokey Lonesome"--This is a poor homeless man who comes and sits in the library all day during the winter. He looks so sad. We've tried to give him coats and blankets but he always refuses.

"Neo"--This guy walks around town EVERY day dressed all in black with his hair pulled back into a ponytail. He wears a long black duster and sunglasses. I think he believes he's in the "Matrix." It's just a movie, friend.

"Cyber-Bitch"--This is one of the most unpleasant people I have ever met. She only comes into the library to use computers and if the least little thing goes wrong, she throws a fit. It always amazes me how her level of anger doesn't match the incident. The most minor thing can throw her into a tremendous rage. It's quite a sight to behold.

These names are not meant to be cruel. It's just a way to talk about people in code. You know.

The Glove Lady

The Glove Lady is something of a local phenomenon. We first encountered her at Barnes and Noble. She is very very eccentric. But the most glaring aspect of her eccentricity is the pair of plastic gloves that she wears everywhere that she goes. These are not your average garden-variety gloves. She wears yellow dishwashing gloves that go to her elbows. And she conducts all of her business this way. At B&N, she loaded up the desk at the cashwrap with piles of magazines and books over the course of 30-45 minutes. After G. rang up this ginormous pile of merchandise, she proceeded to pay for it with a giant wad of cash. He marveled as she peeled off bill after bill to pay. It was weird. And he worried about the gloves. Should he be worried? Was he dealing with an anthrax situation?

When G. related this tale to others outside of the B&N sphere, they knew the woman right away. People see her walking around town with her bright yellow gloves. And sometimes, she frequents the library, leaving us with many unanswered questions.

Glove lady, why do you wear your gloves? Are you afraid of OUR germs? Are you protecting us from YOUR germs? Are you just crazy?

Maybe we'll never know.

Mr. "Me Love You Long Time"

There is this really creepy guy who always comes in with dark sunglasses and dyed blonde hair. He's probably in his mid-forties and is always printing out things about Go-Go dancers and prostitutes in Thailand. He seems to want to get the latest info on cost and disease. For example, I've seen printouts for him about how much oral sex costs in Thailand as opposed to other forms of sex. He seems to be looking for sex in the five dollar range. I have also seen him looking at "brides" from overseas. He also checks out dance club music. Which is odd.

The women that work at this branch always groan when they see this guy come in because he is so creepy. Everyone is thinking..."what's going on behind those dark glasses? What erotic thoughts are brewing under that dyed blonde hair?"

Yuck.

The Queen of the Non Sequiturs

There is an older lady that comes into the library regularly. She is a perfectly sweet person but the strangest things come out of her mouth.

One day, out of the blue, she asked me if I had ever been to Montana. "The people are so nice there. Don't you think?"

I guess.

Today, while I was checking her out, she came out with, "Don't you like it when it's windy? I mean, when there's a nice breeze?"

I guess.

Once, she refused to tell me her name to pick up printouts because she was afraid her identity would be stolen. "Don't you think someone could do that? Just by getting your name?"

I guess.

I'll have to keep adding to this one because there are just so many good ones. It's hard to remember them all.

Mr. Inarticulate

My co-worker G. is very very intelligent and well-read but sometimes he has a little trouble with pronouncing words.

One bright library afternoon, a man came in and handed G. a note describing a certain car in the parking lot that had its lights on. He asked if G. would make an announcement about it.

For one brief moment, I saw a look of panic in G.'s eyes. He then let out a big sigh and turned on the intercom.

"Attention, library patrons. We have a white VULVA with its lights on. A white VULVA with its lights on. Thank you."

All of us, including the patrons, collapsed into hysterics. He laughed too but seemed a little defensive.

"Well! How IS it pronounced anyway?!"

"VOL-vo, G! VOL-vo!"

The library is non-stop fun.

The Pedophobe

An older gentleman came into the library the other day and decided to lodge a complaint with me. He said he was tired about all the children running around the library. He said that once storytime is over we should "get all these kids out of here!" He said if they aren't old enough to read, they have no place in the library.

He happened to come in after storytime one day and said kids under five were running wild around the library unsupervised. He said (with total sincerity) that he thought about going home and calling the police to tell them there was "a riot at the library." I referred him to my boss. After all, I don't get paid enough to deal with old men who hate children. Although, it would have been funny to see the police show up to quell a "riot" of three-year-olds.

The Lotion Lady

My co-worker E. was working along happily one day when I woman snuck around the side of the counter and tried to get E.'s attention.

The woman whispered, "Excuse me. I'm sorry to bother you but I can't leave the library and I really need some lotion. My hands are just so dry! Do you have any lotion I could have?"

E. paused for a moment and then headed to the staff room to get our staff lotion. E. squirted two squirts in the lady's hand and then went back to work.

The lady seemed eternally grateful. Evidently, dry hands are a horrible affliction when you are stuck in the library.

So, you can add "personal grooming product supplier" to our list of library services.

I hear that with all the budget cuts going on, we will now only be able to give customers ONE squirt of lotion in the future. Just FYI.

The Library...Your Neighborhood Answering Service

Most of our library branches are in residential neighborhoods. Some of our neighbors are pleasant. Others are not.

Today, I received a phone call with a man asking "Is Joe Trujillo there?" I responded that no one works here by that name. The man said, "Yeah, he's your neighbor. He lives next door to you."

I told him I had no idea if "Joe Trujillo" was in the library. What exactly did he expect me to do? Page the guy? Or walk out of the library, go next door, and tell the neighbor he had a phone call at the library?

I guess now we need to add "answering service" to our list of library services along with "Office Depot substitute."

Next they'll be asking for sodas and snacks.

Oh, wait....they already do that.

The Lord of the Ring

This happened to my co-workers this morning so I hope I relate it faithfully.

A man came in and demanded a three-hole punch. My co-worker E. brought one out to him and then he asked her to take it to the back and punch his papers FOR him. (again, we're not Office Depot people) E. refused and he seemed very put out by this.

He moved over and started punching his paper but he was putting way too much inside the three-hole punch and was having difficulty. All the while he was muttering to himself. My co-worker G. thought had asked him a question so he asked the customer to repeat himself.

The man said he was simply thinking about his ring and gestured to what was probably his wedding ring. He said, "This is symbol of my wife's and my commitment to wait for God."

Huh?

Then he said to G., "Just remember that the next time you see this ring."

Huh?

G. got really creeped out by the guy. Something is not right there.

Hey everybody, I need an old priest and a young priest! I think we need an exorcism performed here.

The Old Death's Head

There is a man who comes into the library that we all dread. He causes problems for each and every one of us. Although, he hates women, so the men have it a little easier. He is vaguely Hispanic so he likes to pull the race card on us occasionally. And he is verbally abusive and aggressive. I feel like we don't get paid enough to deal with jerks like this guy but it's practically all in a day's work. He is an older gentleman and I like to call him the "Old Death's Head." Because he looks like a grinning Death's head.

This man wants special treatment all the time. He wants handwritten receipts and other little perks that we just don't offer. And when he doesn't get them, he throws a little temper tantrum. He has called me stupid and other unsavory epithets. And he loves to argue with you so that you are driven into a rage and have to storm off. He made me so angry one day that I handed him off to my boss and told him he could complain about me. My boss backed me up. There are notes about this man and his exploits from all over the library system. We finally got him thrown out after months of abuse but because our system doesn't value its employees and doesn't care about protecting them, they allowed him to come back after a few months. And now, we are dealing with him again.

When I see the Old Death's Head coming in nowadays, I pass him off to one of my co-workers. I figure I've put in my time with this jerk. He's now becoming a right of passage for new library workers. We like to haze the new guys by letting them deal with the Old Death's Head. It's interesting how someone so awful can become a library hazing tradition.