Is This Possible?!

Okay, so things are going from bad to worse around here.

About two years ago, a new Director hit town with all kinds of ideas about how to change the library. (She sits directly under the City Librarian) Clearly, she has never heard the saying, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." She preceeded to move our focus to multimedia items that "circulate." Thus, thousands of books are hitting the trash to make room for DVDs. Then, she decided to force each library into a "type" and then change the collection at each library to fit its "type." So, you can now no longer go into a library and find the typical things you would expect to find. If you want a children's book, you should go to one of the children-focused libraries. If you want a video, you should go to one of the media-based libraries. It's really ridiculous.

The ultimate happened today, though.

She has now decreed that not every library will have librarians. Some libraries will have computer terminals where you can chat with a librarian online. But there will be no physical librarians in some of our branches.

Call me crazy, but what is a library without a librarian? What is this world coming to?

The Library as Garden of Eden

So, we came into work on Saturday and there was a snake in front of our display cases. My boss immediately panicked and ran to the break room where we found her standing on a chair. My co-worker and I scooped the snake up and took him outside. I was afraid that people would start throwing large dictionaries at it if we didn' t take action.

Later that day, the Lord of the Ring came in and hinted that he wanted me to go to church with him. I told him there was a library policy about employees going to church with patrons. Sorry.

Maybe that snake was sign. A sign that I need to get out of this crazy place.

(In response to my last blog, the library does not back up employees in trying to deal with unattended children. We are not allowed to post signs or enforce policy. It's their way of backing up and empowering staff. ha. )

A Library or Just Inadequate Childcare?

One thing I have noticed in my time at the library is that many people try to use the library as free childcare. They will come and dump their children here and take off. Or they will tell their latch-key children to stay here until they get home from work. The problem is that we don't have the time or the resources or the responsibility to watch over these children. And we have had our share of perverts too.
Another problem is that parents will wander off to use computers and leave their kids without telling them where they are. Two lost little girls today were hiding in the children's section crying because they couldn't find their mom. I found the poor excuse for a parent on the other side of the library cruising the internet. It is so irresponsible and makes me so angry.
We have several well-meaning male customers who have tried to help lost children from time to time. On two occasions, we have seen a male customer pick up a female child and wander around the library with her looking for a parent. Now, I know they mean well, but let's face it, in this day and age it's not always a good idea for a male strange to carry around a female child. It just isn't. They should turn the child over to a staff member. Because inevitably the loser parent freaks out when they see a strange man carrying their child.
What's a library worker to do?

The Magical Bookdrop

A lady asked me yesterday,
"When I drop my items in the bookdrop, they are automatically checked in right?"

Yes, and little elves come and reshelve the books at night.

The library is truly a magical wonderland.

Lord of the Ring Strikes Back

Remember the Lord of the Ring? (henceforth to be referred to as LOTR) Well, he seems to have a little thing for me and always seeks me out in the library. I try to be pleasant and friendly while maintaining a safe distance.

Well, he comes in today and comes to the Circulation Desk. I greet him and ask him if the items he has are for return. He nods his head. I return them and he goes out into the stacks to look for more items.

After I came back from lunch, my co-worker G. pulled me aside to tell me that the Lord of the Ring had complained to our manager. He told her that he believes G. has turned me against him (LOTR) by claiming that he (LOTR) is a homosexual. He says I'm just not as friendly as I used to be and he knows it is G.'s fault. He is now going to the City Librarian with this tale of woe.

So, gentle readers, I if you hear in the news about a crazy person going in a shooting up a library because they claimed he was a homosexual, think good thoughts for me.

The DVD Phenomenon

We have just started receiving DVDs and I have noticed a new phenomenon taking place. We only have a few of them so we keep them on the circulation desk. As soon as we reach over the desk to reshelve one, people will grab it out of our hands.

"I don't care what it is as long as it's a DVD!!!"

"You do realize that you just ripped Wishmaster 18 3/4 out of my hands?"

"Yes but it's a DVD!"

It's the most bizarre obsession I have ever seen.

There is a man that comes in every day and gets more DVDs. I think he has pretty much made it all the way through our collection at this point. And that is all he ever checks out. I have to restrain myself from saying, "How about a book to go with your DVDs?"

I just put out a DVD documentary about Karl Rove. I can't wait to see who grabs it. After all, it's a DVD.

Typewriter Man

So, it is our policy in our library to charge ten cents a page for printouts. This covers the cost of paper and toner, etc. We also have a typewriter which is 25 cents for fifteen minutes of use. We give the customer two sheets of paper and after that we charge 10 cents a page. We do this to be fair and equitable. Since customers who print out are charged ten cents a page, it is only fair to also charge for paper use with the typewriter. Of course, people can bring in their own paper for free.

Well, Crazy Typewriter Man came in today and wanted a whole bunch of paper. I gave him two sheets and said he could come back for more at ten cents a page. He yelled in my face that that was ridiculous! We should give him all the paper he wants for free! I tried to explain about being fair and that this helped us cover the cost of maintenance and paper. I then suggested that he speak with a senior librarian or the city librarian to voice his concerns. He flew into a rage and shouted at me,

"I will not be talking to any LIBRARIAN! I'm going straight to the mayor's office about this right now! You'll be hearing from us!"

After he shook his fist in my face, I said to him "Good luck with that!"

C'mon people. Quit taking advantage of your library. We don't have any money and we can't supply you with office supplies.

And I'm sure the mayor will LOVE hearing about this.

5 Cent Lady

So, this woman comes in and turns in a book SO LATE that her fines come to $8.00. Immediately, she starts blaming the library for HER lateness. But she adds a new twist...

Lady: Well, I'm not paying that much. The library has only ever charge me 5 cents a day before. I was just here last month and only paid a 5 cent per day fine.

Clerk: Well, that surprises me because our fines have never been five cents a day. In fact, they are currently 25 cents per day per item.

Lady: Well, I've only ever paid five cents a day and I'm not paying more than that.

At this point, she pulls our her receipt from the month before which shows that she paid a 75 cent fine for being three days late. I point out to her that that equals 25 cents a day.

Lady: Well, I think it was much later than that. And I'm only going to ever pay five cents a day or I'm not going to use the library again.

This is one of my favorite arguments from patrons. They think they can treat us like a retail establishment. Threatening me with losing your business really isn't going to get you anywhere. Let's see....we make zero dollars off you a year and you are threatening to take away your business which would be a loss of zero dollars...hmmmm....

Clerk: So you are saying that although everyone else pays 25 cents a day for being late that you should only be charged 5 cents a day.

Lady: That's right.

Clerk: Well, when you sign up for a library card you agree to the terms. And as long as you turn items in on time, the service is absolutely free. This book was 32 days late. The fine will be $8.00.

Lady: Well, I'm never using the library again.

Clerk: Okay then. Enjoy Barnes and Noble and Blockbuster! (just kidding...I didn't really say that)

Library...Post Office...Same Thing

Our mail carrier just came in and handed me two library items that someone had dropped in the mailbox at the post office.

Now, I know we are both public institutions, people, but you can't mail items at the library and you can't return library items to the post office.

Just wanted to make that clear.

I Don't Get It

So, the Queen of the Non-Sequitors just came in and headed over to the reference desk where our intern was working. Our intern is a young brunette who is currently working on her MLS. So, the Queen asks her to put a few items on hold and while the intern is doing this, the Queen says,

"So, you're really not a blonde. You're more of a chestnut."

Um, thanks for the info.

What was the point of that statement? Anyone?

Your Local Head Shop

Okay, this is a first. I just returned a copy of the LOVE WIFE by Gish Jen and a bag of marijuana blunts fell out of it.

Gee, thanks dude.

The String Lady Returns

Remember the String Lady? Well, she returned a few days ago with new craziness for us. First, she approached my female co-worker K. and asked her, "Can I ask you a personal question?"

K. is a no-nonsense person so she said, "No. I will only answer questions about library business."

String Lady: "Could I just whisper it in your ear?"

K: "No."

String Lady: "Well, I just wanted to know if you stuff your bra."

(cue the crickets)

K: "If you have any questions regarding library business, I will be happy to answer them. Otherwise, I can't help you."

String Lady came up with a few more crazy requests but K. ignored her and referred her to our boss.

Never a dull moment...

Luddite Library Patron

Okay, we're feeling a little baffled.

Most libraries have moved to an online form of Ye Old Carde Catalogue. This isn't something new or even shocking. I haven't seen a library with the old-fashioned pull-out drawer card catalog in years.

Well, a man just came and looked around for the old school catalog and when he discovered that we only had a computer version, he flew into a rage and stormed out of the building.

Hey, buddy! Join the rest of us in the 21st century. Or even the late 20th for that matter.

Library for Your Pet

A customer came in today and asked me where we kept our cat videos. He had a thick accent and I tried to verify what he was asking.

"Do you mean the musical 'Cats'?"

"No! I want videos for my cats to watch."

Now, I know these things exist but I don't think the library carries them and I have no idea how to look that up in our system. I mean, we don't exactly have a section for "Pet Videos." So, I referred the customer to our Reference desk.

He didn't like that at all and left.

Maybe next time he comes in, I'll suggest videos about fish.

Yet Again...

The Queen of the Non-Sequitors came in today and as I was checking her items out, she pointed to two children checking out at the next computer. They were both under 5 and they were laughing and being silly.

She said, "Look at those kids!" She started laughing.

I said, "Yeah, they're really cute, huh?"

We both laughed and then she left.

About ten minutes later, the Queen returned. She waited for me to help a customer and then came up to me and said,

"Just so you know, I was laughing WITH those children. Not AT them. There's a difference."

Uh, okay.

She actually felt the need to return to the library to tell me that.

I love that lady.

We're Back

I know it has been awhile. We were strongly discouraged from continuing this blog but we will soldier on until they come to take us away.

So, the Queen of the Non-Sequitors came in today and while I was checking her out she said,

"I smell something. Some kind of fragrance."

"Well, I'm wearing perfume."

"That must be it. It's kind of...different. It smells like...I don't know what. What is it?"

"Vera Wang."

"What's that?"

"She's a designer."

"Oh, I've heard of her. She does expensive stuff. Well, it smells okay. It doesn't bother me too much. Bye."

Glad I could oblige.

The Gender Gap

I was making a library card for a gentleman today and while I was entering his information into the computer, he said to me,

"Be sure that you enter my gender as male. Because I'm a guy. And I didn't put it down on the form."

I looked at him for any sign of joking or humor. I didn't find it.

I made sure to enter him as a woman.

The Library Heartthrob

We have a new clerk here at our little library and already he is having an effect on the ladies.

A few days ago, this older lady said to him,

"Did anyone ever tell you that you look like a younger, cuter Woody Harrelson?"

"Um. no."

"And you have a really nice torso. You could be a model. But I bet you get that all the time. I'm not hitting on you, though."

"Uh, okay."

Hmm... Maybe B. SHOULD quit his day job. Wouldn' t that make a great story?

"I was discovered when I was working as a library clerk. Now, I'm a world famous torso model."

It would be like an E! True Hollywood story. In the meantime, I'm sure we will all enjoy watching the little old ladies swoon over B.

The Queen of the Non Sequitors Returns

Before I share today's brief anecdote, I would like to stress once again that you, gentle reader, only hear the very worst of library life. Most of our customers are quite lovely people. They are pleasant, friendly, polite, return their library items on time and cheerfully pay their fines. Some even bring us treats at Christmas. It's just the few bad apples that we tend to write about at the Dewey Diaries. But, they are the most interesting.

The Queen of the Non Sequitors (see earlier post) is actually a very sweet lady and we like her. When we see her walk in the door, we always eagerly anticipate what she will say because she has such a unique way of viewing the world.

Today, she came in talking about how hot it was outside.


"Whew! It's really hot out there."

I replied, "Oh really."

She paused and said, "Yeah, you know. From the sun."

OH! From the sun!

She then told me it was HOT enough to give you a sunburn.

I love that lady.

The Unaccountable

One of the things that makes me angriest about working at the library is the fact that most patrons do not want to take responsibility for themselves. They all come in with this sense of entitlement like the library owes them something. They don't seem to understand that using the library is a PRIVILEGE and not a RIGHT.

Case in point...

I was having a pretty good workday yesterday until about the last fifteen minutes. This woman comes in with a collections letter. Evidently, her daughter told her she had nothing checked out. In reality, she had thirteen books hidden in her room that were due in December. So, the mom gets this collections notice and finds nine of the books in the child's room. After checking those nine books back in, the fines went down to about $190.oo. I explained to the woman that if she found the last four, her fines would go down to $150.00. (basically, a maximum fine of $10 for each book and a $20 fine from the collections agency) Well, the woman throws a fit and refuses to pay saying that it is all the LIBRARY'S fault. She says the library has a responsibility to tell people if they have overdue items.

I know $150 seems harsh. However, we already have a 39 day grace period for children's items. And we DO give an automated phone call if an item is 10 days overdue. And send a letter after that. But we did not have the woman's correct info since she had moved.

The library is a great deal. You can check out all the DVDs, CDs, videos, books and magazines that you want for FREE! All you have to do is return them on time. It's not that hard. And yet, people like this woman continue to try to shift accountability for their actions onto the library. Amazing.