Death and Taxes

People say that there are only two things in this world that you can count on...death and taxes. I would like to add one more. You can count on the fact that people will drive you crazy about tax forms to the point that you want to kill them. (that's where the "death and taxes" allusion comes in)

Ever since I've worked in this library system, we haven't carried tax forms. Yet every year starting in mid-December, people start coming into the library asking for them. They get very passionate on the subject. I have to wonder why people need tax forms in mid-December in the first place. People aren't even required to send your tax stuff like W-2 forms until the end of January anyway. But people get very fanatical on this subject. You can try telling them that tax forms are available on the internet or that they can call to have them sent but people get very offended by those suggestions. "I thought all libraries carried tax forms! You had them last year!"

Uh, no we didn't.

Today's Dewey Diaries comes from another branch in our system that puts a new spin on this tax form irritation.

A woman called this library branch demanding to know WHY she hadn't received her tax forms yet in the mail. Well, first of all, we're not the government. And second of all, we're not the post office. So, why would we know where your tax forms are? The best part, though, is that when the circulation desk picked up the call and heard the question, they immediately transferred the call to Reference. Like the librarians would know where this woman's tax forms were.

So, People everywhere take note, we do NOT carry tax forms.

The Post 9/11 Willies

Ever since 9/11 and the inception of the Patriot Act, I have noticed that people get really crazy trying to do their "civic duty." I guess civic duty now means "inform on your neighbors" and "ignore civil rights."

For example, one woman came up to the desk to pick up her hold. The hold happened to be a copy of the Koran. Before she took the book, she looked at me and asked, "Can you tell me who had this book before me?"

I responded, "No, I can't do that. That would violate privacy law."

The woman then replied, "Well, I just want to know if any MUSLIMS (she actually whispered this word) had it before me because they might have put anthrax or something in it to poison Americans."

"Well, I've handled it and my co-workers have handled it and none of us have keeled over so that's all I can tell you."

I mean, c'mon lady!

Another woman (why is it always hysterical women?) came up to me one day to tell me that "an Arab man" was looking at bomb-making on one of our computers and she wanted me to call the police. Well, we also have people looking at pornography and, even worse, Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code website, but I'm not calling the police on them. It's called "free speech!" Look into it.

People, just because someone is looking at something that you object to on the internet doesn't mean it is for nefarious purposes. Maybe they are doing research or writing a paper on the subject. Although certain powers that be want us turning on each other and becoming local government informants, some of us still believe in free speech and privacy and will continue to fight the good fight against censorship.

The Conspiracy Theorist

A man just came into the library and asked me if we carry the book "Vaccine-A: The Covert Government Experiment That's Killing Our Soldiers." I looked it up and found that we had a copy on the shelf and gave him the call number. He told me he didn't want the book, he just wanted information on it.

He wanted to know how many copies we had and if people were checking them out. I told him the majority of the copies were currently available. So no, it's not a hot item.

He then wanted to know if the FBI was monitoring who was checking it out.

I told him that the FBI could only look at our records with a warrant. He wanted to know if I was absolutely, positively sure that the government wasn't monitoring this book. I told him I couldn't absolutely, positively tell him for sure but that that was our policy.

The then went and grabbed the book off the shelf and waved it in my face telling me that it was 100% true. He said he was a Gulf War vet and the government experimented on him giving him everything from rheumatoid arthritis to multiple sclerosis. I wasn't sure what to say so I said, "Wow, that sucks."

He then stated loudly, "I will NEVER stop telling people about this book!"

And then he stalked out of the library.

Well, okay then. Good luck with that.

Don't Come Here for Tech Support

Just now, a sweet elderly lady came up to the desk to ask my co-worker G. a question.

She wanted to know what HDTV was because she had just gotten a DVD player for Christmas and read in the instructions that you should check if you have an HDTV. She wanted to know how she could check if her current television was an HDTV.

G. replied, "Well, I haven't seen very many of them. They're pretty expensive and chances are you don't have one. They look different from regular tv."

Lady: "Oh really? How are they different?

G.: "Well, HD stands for High Definition. When you are watching it, it feels like you are falling into endless space."

Lady: "Oh my. I'm not sure I'd like that."

G.: "Yeah, it's like looking into an aquarium only with little people instead of fish."

Lady:"Oh, really?"

G."Yeah, it will totally blow your mind. I'd be careful if I were you."

At this point, the lady looked at me and whispered, "I think he's high."

And G. said, "I'm high on library science. Yeah!"

Never let it be said that we don't have fun tormenting our customers.

Could this Humble Library Worker be next?!

Check out this article on a poor British bookseller who got sacked for blogging about his job.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/online/weblogs/story/0,14024,1388466,00.html

As least in the good ole' U S of A we still believe in free speech! Am I right? Who's with me? (Do I hear the sound of crickets chirping?)

Just in case, we'll still keep things anonymous here.

The Sexiest Couple at the Library

There is an Indian couple that comes into the library on a regular basis and they only check out videos and DVDs. Sounds pretty normal, right? But wait! There's a twist.

The videos are all sex-related in some form or fashion. My co-workers and I think they regularly do a sweep of the library catalog searching for the keywords: sex, nudity or erotic.

It's getting to be quite amusing. When the delivery comes in, we always jokingly make catcalls and wolf whistles when we see the latest sexy addition to this couple's movie repertoire.

I think my favorite moment was when "The Passion of Christ" came in as a hold for them. I turned to G. and said, "Boy, are they going to be disappointed!" And then we collapsed into hysterics. I wonder how it went over. Hmmm...

Ever since this couple rolled into town, the library has gotten a whole lot sexier!

Your Information Clearinghouse

Since when did it become a prerequisite for a library job that you have to know EVERYTHING?!!

Five minutes ago, a gentleman with overdue books (!) came in to pick up some new holds. After I helped him, he asked me where to find information on bus schedules. I told him I thought that there was probably a website with that information but I wasn't sure what the web address was.

The man immediately got angry and started yelling at me about how at the OTHER library branch the person behind the desk knew the answer to his question and he couldn't understand why I didn't. "You'd think you could come to the library and people would be able to answer your questions! After all, you're standing behind the desk!!!"

Since when do I have to know the answer to every idiot question just because I stand behind a desk?!!

I really wanted to go off on the guy but I managed to control my temper. After all, if he rides the stupid bus all the time, why doesn't HE know where to find the bus schedules!!!

Some days, it's hard to find the humor in this job. People get so irate over the most inconsequential things. And they direct all their anger at you. And it gets really old. I think on my last day at the library, I'm finally going to tell all these bastards exactly what I think of them.

The Russian Gambler

Well, Dewey Diaries is back from the holidays with more exciting stories from the front.

There is a man who used to come in around closing every night. He was Russian and he was always looking up websites on gambling. And he was a real jerk. He would always refuse to leave when we closed and was always causing problems. One night, as we were trying to lock up, he came up to the circulation desk to pick up his printouts. It is our policy that people can print documents from the internet at a cost of ten cents a page. Well, this jerk comes up and has printed about fifty pages and he only has about 25 cents. He starts arguing with me that I should just GIVE him the printouts for free. I told him I would hold the pages for him if he wanted to come back the following day to pick them up but that he couldn't have them for free. Of course, these were pages about gambling that he needed that night so that didn't make him happy. He threw a fit and stormed out of the library. On his way out, he stopped and said to my co-worker G., "Your sister is crazy!"

G. responded, "Oh, she's not my sister."

Note: G. did not say that I wasn't crazy. He just said I wasn't his sister. Thanks, buddy.

The Russian Gambler disappeared for awhile after that. But recently, he has been seen in the library. Maybe we'll experience more magic together. In the meantime, I would suggest that he learn not only "when to hold 'em" but also "when to walk away."