These Aren't Happy Feet

So, this stocky loud guy in his 50s with a black NYPD shirt, unshaven, with his mom/girlfriend/daughter creature just came up to pick up his printouts. He had printed out 16 sheets of all the nearest "shrinks" (his word). He only wanted six pages so he proceeded to dig out of his sock one dime, and then another dime, until he rolled off his sock (still standing somehow) and took out all the necessary dimes. He told me his socks were "stinky" (again---his word) and that I should soak the dimes in Clorax first. I genially nodded and whispered a chuckle--until he leaned forward to say,

"No, I'm serious. You need to soak those in Clorax."

I told him I'd take them in the back and do just that.

That's right, we're in the money laundering business here at the library...

Death Becomes Her

Just had a patron with a 13 dollar fine.

She asked if she could get them excused because she had...

wait for it...

a DEATH CERTIFICATE.

She handed the official certificate to me with a smug little smile.

Checkmate.

I told her we could take off a dollar.

Sorry--that's library policy.

Unsolicited Reviewer Returns

It is now becoming a habit for the "Unsolicited Reviewer" to give us a review of whatever DVD he is dropping off that day.

Today he came in holding up "Broken Flowers" saying, "This goofy bastard (Bill Murray) shouldn't be allowed to act unless it's a comedy. I turned the goddamned thing off a quarter of the way in."

I wasn't quite sure how to respond to such a trenchant review. He may be the angriest reviewer I have ever seen.

The String Lady Provides Childcare

Little did we know that the String Lady has been providing gratis childcare back in our Children's section.

A 12 year old girl approached the Reference desk crying. It seems the girl ran home and got her mom because some "weird lady" back in the Children's freaked her out. The girl was told by the lady that she used to hold her as a baby and repeatedly asked her, "Don't you remember me?" Who did the Mom point out as the culprit? The String Lady.

Every time you think she's gone she pops up again like bad penny. Or a recurrent zit. Or a bill collector. Insert witticism here.

Driveby Poultry Pelting

Okay, someone just threw a severed goose head at the library.

I kid you not.

Should we be worried?

Woman, Know Thy Own Hold

This lady just came into the library to pick up her hold. Her hold is the new Amy Sedaris book. I handed her the hold and she looks at the book like I just took a crap on it.

"Who is Amy Sedaris?"

Um, she's David Sedaris' sister.

"Who's David Sedaris?? Did he write Eat, Leaves, Shoots?"

Uh, no. He wrote "Naked."

(Blank stare.)

You know, he wrote "Me Talk Pretty One Day."

(Blank stare.)

Amy Sedaris is a comedian, ma'am.

"Huh?"

Finally, she waved her hand irritably and said, "Whatever! I'll see if I like it!" and stormed away.

Sorry to ruin your day, Ma'am, with your own hold. She acted as if I was selling her a Time-Life book...

Monday Morning Fever

An older gentleman came up today and returned some movies. He said, "That Pulp Fiction is one goddamn vile show."

I say, "Mm."

But he had to go on.

"I only got halfway through it, but it was vile. If I ever meet John Travolta, I'll punch him in the face!"

As you know, my policy is not to engage with customers on their items, but this was too much.

I said, "Well, that was a role he was playing. He's not really..."

The guy interrupted, "Ah, that son-of-a-bitch! And to think I let my kids watch this show! I only let them watch it because of that Saturday Night Live movie."

I said, "Saturday Night Fever."

I think that might have pushed him over the edge because he stormed off. I wonder what would have happened if I had started reciting Ezekial 25:17.

Hmmm....

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Surprise! We're back and we have a guest poster today....


"I just had a classic dialogue with some querulous old bird at the desk.
She was at least eighty and she wanted her hold and she had extended it because of the [inclement weather] but it wasn't here.
She was very upset, practically shaking her fist at me.

I found out the title we had sent back was called...

wait for it...

"Overcoming Life's Disappointments."

Signing Off

Well, all good things must come to an end and I have decided to leave my library job. There is only so much drama and indignity that one person can take. But I will miss the little absurdities of everyday library life. I wish I could pass the baton on to someone else but my co-workers are also all jumping ship.

Thank you for reading. I hope this little blog changed the way you look at public libraries. Keep supporting your library and check out lots of books!

Library Nazis?

I think my co-worker G. must be feeling a bit impish today.

A woman just came up and asked G. where they came up with the logo for our library system.

G. looked at her for a moment and said, " I think it's a swastika."

The woman looked taken aback and said, "Well, I think it is closer to a Star of David."

Why do we have to choose?

Honestly, I always thought it was quilt pattern. But evidently, it's like some kind of Rorschach test.
Hmmm.....

A Jerk in Any Other Language...

So, this man just came in and asked me if I speak Spanish. I told him I speak a little bit of Spanish. (we conducted the rest of this conversation in Spanish) He told me he was looking for a movie. I asked him for the title. There was a verb in the title I didn't recognize but that didn't stop me from looking for it. I couldn't find it in our system so I searched other ones. It never showed up. Finally, I asked him if the title could be slightly different since I couldn't find it. He finally told me that the whole thing was a joke.

He said, "The movie title means "Spank the Librarian."

I gave him a withering look. Thanks for offending me and wasting my time. I guess jerks are the same in any language.

Library as Local Nerd Repository

A young woman just came in and asked my co-worker G. to summarize the Odyssey for her because she was on her way to class. A five-minute summary probably isn't the best course of action. And it probably isn't entirely ethical for us to do someone's homework for them. But hey, we love to talk about Greek mythology. So, G. and I started telling her the story of the Odyssey. It was a bit overwhelming for her. When we got to the part about Odysseus proving himself by the stringing of his bow, I joked that:

"Of course, we really know that Xena was hidden under the table and she was really the one who helped Odysseus prove himself by helping him to string the bow."

The girl said, "Oh really?!"

G. and I laughed and hurried to tell her that no, Xena was not really part of the Odyssey.

But wouldn't it be funny if she brought that up in class?

As I Lay Trekking

A customer just came in and asked G. to renew one of her books.

"Yeah, could you renew it? It's a book by William Shatner."

G. paused.

"You mean, the one by William FAULKNER that is check out on your card?"

"Oh, yeah. Faulkner."

It's an easy mistake to make.

Is This Possible?!

Okay, so things are going from bad to worse around here.

About two years ago, a new Director hit town with all kinds of ideas about how to change the library. (She sits directly under the City Librarian) Clearly, she has never heard the saying, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." She preceeded to move our focus to multimedia items that "circulate." Thus, thousands of books are hitting the trash to make room for DVDs. Then, she decided to force each library into a "type" and then change the collection at each library to fit its "type." So, you can now no longer go into a library and find the typical things you would expect to find. If you want a children's book, you should go to one of the children-focused libraries. If you want a video, you should go to one of the media-based libraries. It's really ridiculous.

The ultimate happened today, though.

She has now decreed that not every library will have librarians. Some libraries will have computer terminals where you can chat with a librarian online. But there will be no physical librarians in some of our branches.

Call me crazy, but what is a library without a librarian? What is this world coming to?

The Library as Garden of Eden

So, we came into work on Saturday and there was a snake in front of our display cases. My boss immediately panicked and ran to the break room where we found her standing on a chair. My co-worker and I scooped the snake up and took him outside. I was afraid that people would start throwing large dictionaries at it if we didn' t take action.

Later that day, the Lord of the Ring came in and hinted that he wanted me to go to church with him. I told him there was a library policy about employees going to church with patrons. Sorry.

Maybe that snake was sign. A sign that I need to get out of this crazy place.

(In response to my last blog, the library does not back up employees in trying to deal with unattended children. We are not allowed to post signs or enforce policy. It's their way of backing up and empowering staff. ha. )

A Library or Just Inadequate Childcare?

One thing I have noticed in my time at the library is that many people try to use the library as free childcare. They will come and dump their children here and take off. Or they will tell their latch-key children to stay here until they get home from work. The problem is that we don't have the time or the resources or the responsibility to watch over these children. And we have had our share of perverts too.
Another problem is that parents will wander off to use computers and leave their kids without telling them where they are. Two lost little girls today were hiding in the children's section crying because they couldn't find their mom. I found the poor excuse for a parent on the other side of the library cruising the internet. It is so irresponsible and makes me so angry.
We have several well-meaning male customers who have tried to help lost children from time to time. On two occasions, we have seen a male customer pick up a female child and wander around the library with her looking for a parent. Now, I know they mean well, but let's face it, in this day and age it's not always a good idea for a male strange to carry around a female child. It just isn't. They should turn the child over to a staff member. Because inevitably the loser parent freaks out when they see a strange man carrying their child.
What's a library worker to do?

The Magical Bookdrop

A lady asked me yesterday,
"When I drop my items in the bookdrop, they are automatically checked in right?"

Yes, and little elves come and reshelve the books at night.

The library is truly a magical wonderland.

Lord of the Ring Strikes Back

Remember the Lord of the Ring? (henceforth to be referred to as LOTR) Well, he seems to have a little thing for me and always seeks me out in the library. I try to be pleasant and friendly while maintaining a safe distance.

Well, he comes in today and comes to the Circulation Desk. I greet him and ask him if the items he has are for return. He nods his head. I return them and he goes out into the stacks to look for more items.

After I came back from lunch, my co-worker G. pulled me aside to tell me that the Lord of the Ring had complained to our manager. He told her that he believes G. has turned me against him (LOTR) by claiming that he (LOTR) is a homosexual. He says I'm just not as friendly as I used to be and he knows it is G.'s fault. He is now going to the City Librarian with this tale of woe.

So, gentle readers, I if you hear in the news about a crazy person going in a shooting up a library because they claimed he was a homosexual, think good thoughts for me.

The DVD Phenomenon

We have just started receiving DVDs and I have noticed a new phenomenon taking place. We only have a few of them so we keep them on the circulation desk. As soon as we reach over the desk to reshelve one, people will grab it out of our hands.

"I don't care what it is as long as it's a DVD!!!"

"You do realize that you just ripped Wishmaster 18 3/4 out of my hands?"

"Yes but it's a DVD!"

It's the most bizarre obsession I have ever seen.

There is a man that comes in every day and gets more DVDs. I think he has pretty much made it all the way through our collection at this point. And that is all he ever checks out. I have to restrain myself from saying, "How about a book to go with your DVDs?"

I just put out a DVD documentary about Karl Rove. I can't wait to see who grabs it. After all, it's a DVD.

Typewriter Man

So, it is our policy in our library to charge ten cents a page for printouts. This covers the cost of paper and toner, etc. We also have a typewriter which is 25 cents for fifteen minutes of use. We give the customer two sheets of paper and after that we charge 10 cents a page. We do this to be fair and equitable. Since customers who print out are charged ten cents a page, it is only fair to also charge for paper use with the typewriter. Of course, people can bring in their own paper for free.

Well, Crazy Typewriter Man came in today and wanted a whole bunch of paper. I gave him two sheets and said he could come back for more at ten cents a page. He yelled in my face that that was ridiculous! We should give him all the paper he wants for free! I tried to explain about being fair and that this helped us cover the cost of maintenance and paper. I then suggested that he speak with a senior librarian or the city librarian to voice his concerns. He flew into a rage and shouted at me,

"I will not be talking to any LIBRARIAN! I'm going straight to the mayor's office about this right now! You'll be hearing from us!"

After he shook his fist in my face, I said to him "Good luck with that!"

C'mon people. Quit taking advantage of your library. We don't have any money and we can't supply you with office supplies.

And I'm sure the mayor will LOVE hearing about this.