Welcome to the Dewey Diaries *sticky post*

If you are just joining us, we suggest that you start from the beginning (November 2004) so that you can savor every delicious library anecdote.

Enjoy!

(Disclaimer: These are not the stories of one library in particular. Rather, it is a clearinghouse for stories that have been sent into the Dewey Diaries and sanitized and buffed up for your reading pleasure.)

Conspiracy Theorist

Patron:  Have you looked outside today?

Me:  Uh no. They don't let me out of the building.

Patron:  You should really go look at the sky. Operation Cloverleaf is going on right now. They want you to think they are just contrails from airplanes but they aren't. They are really chemicals that the government is deliberately putting into the atmosphere.  It's really scary.

Me:  Huh.  How about that.

Patron: If I were you, I wouldn't go outside today.

Me:  Duly noted.





SIGH.......................................

Why Stop There?

A patron just came in all fired up to the 4th Floor Desk and demandedto speak to the big boss.  When I asked a few probing questions to get to the root of his dissatisfaction (trying to prevent the Big Boss from having to deal with this), I learned that he was all in a tizzy because he believes the entire fourth floor of the library should be moved to the first floor. 

*crickets*

Yeah, that's gonna happen.

I decided maybe the Big Boss SHOULD handle this after all. So, I sent him on his merry way to the appropriate office. 

Return of the Old Death's Head

He's baaaaaaack!

The Old Death's Head showed up today in a ratty lumberjack coat looking more like a death's head than ever. He has finally wised up about interacting with staff and decided to use the self-check machine instead. Of course, he couldn't figure out how to use it.

As I observed his struggles, I tried to decide what to do. I knew if I approached him and offered to help that he would probably accuse me of being a condescending racist. (since he is a lily-white man who happens to have a Hispanic-sounding last name) Finally, he asked me for help and I assisted him with great tenderness and patience (and trepidation). He was all sweetness and light. And then we sang a duet. And little bluebirds fluttered around our heads.

I guess he doesn't remember that I'm the one who got him banned from the library. Ah, the power!

One Stop Shopping

A guy just came to the circulation desk and asked if there was an "adult" section at the library. It's spring break and there's a lot of urchins running around here today, and I thought he meant a quiet place to get away from these damn kids.

But, no...

He leaned forward and said, "No, for... naughty stuff?" Oh. Oh!

No, no, we don't have a "naughty" section of the videos. Not yet, at least. I'm sure it's coming, though.

In the meantime, just another disappointed library patron...

I'm Little on the Inside

One of the things I love about working in a public library is the fact that you get to interact with all kinds of people. And they are not always what they seem. There is one gentleman who is very tall and big and he wears black leather pants and he has swastikas tattooed on the back of his head. Rather scary. A real tough guy.

But...

...he checks out the lamest videos like Knight Rider and Full House. FULL HOUSE?!! Are you kidding me? Maybe he's one of those big guys who are little on the inside.


Yesterday he stopped a library employee in the parking lot and asked him why that school bus was parked there. The library worker looked. Big surprise. There was no school bus.

Uh, I'm backing away slowly...

The Unsolicited Reviewer is a Misogynist (big surprise)

Also known as Mr. "I'm going to punch John Travolta in the face," the Unsolicited Reviewer is getting a lot of press lately. He wants to ban "Ladies Nights" at bars, baseball games and other venues. He was on a talk show and the host finally told him he needs therapy for his obsessive compulsiveness and his paranoia. The Unsolicited Reviewer compares himself to Rosa Parks fightin' for men's rights. He's our own local jackass!

New Book, Possible Lawsuit

Dewey Diaries has been alerted to the publication of this book. We will be interested to see if this guy ripped us off.

(just kidding)

Customers Say the Darndest Things

A regular patron came in today and was joshing with me about his driver's license photo and how his hair was dyed in the picture.

"Doesn't really look like me at all!"

I told him at least he didn't have Botox done just for the DMV.

He guffawed and then said loudly, "Or genital plastic surgery! HAW!"

Yeah. Heh heh. Genital... plastic... surgery.

I guess he topped me. Zing.

Spam is not Sexy(licious)

So, this woman just came up to the circulation desk very upset about the spam in her email. She wanted to know who to call about it. I went over (sighing) to her computer and saw her Yahoo account with an email with the subject line: "Sexilicious in ****** Ya?" The lady pointed righteously at the sender and hysterically said:

"I DO NOT know this person! How did they get my address?! I asked
them to never again send me emails, but here is another one! And I am NOT
sexilicious!"

You got that right, lady...

The Unsolicited Reviewer Takes it to the Streets

The Unsolicited Reviewer was in a local paper last week. He is currently protesting the fact that bars have "Ladies' Nite" but not "Dude's Nite." He says it's a violation of his civil liberties and of the Constitution.

I hope he wins his brave, brave fight. In the meantime, I await his next DVD-related rant.

The Bag Lady

A middle-aged woman came to the desk and asked for a garbage bag. Unsure of what this woman's agenda could be, I decided to go ahead andjust give her what she wanted because I didn't want any trouble from her.

So, we give her the bag and...


...that's right...

...she wore it.


She's sitting at the computer right now wearing a big baggy clear-plastic trash bag from the neck down. Every time she moves she rustles. Apparently, she thinks our A/C is too cold.

How come I never think to ask for random items from the stores I go into?

These Aren't Happy Feet

So, this stocky loud guy in his 50s with a black NYPD shirt, unshaven, with his mom/girlfriend/daughter creature just came up to pick up his printouts. He had printed out 16 sheets of all the nearest "shrinks" (his word). He only wanted six pages so he proceeded to dig out of his sock one dime, and then another dime, until he rolled off his sock (still standing somehow) and took out all the necessary dimes. He told me his socks were "stinky" (again---his word) and that I should soak the dimes in Clorax first. I genially nodded and whispered a chuckle--until he leaned forward to say,

"No, I'm serious. You need to soak those in Clorax."

I told him I'd take them in the back and do just that.

That's right, we're in the money laundering business here at the library...

Death Becomes Her

Just had a patron with a 13 dollar fine.

She asked if she could get them excused because she had...

wait for it...

a DEATH CERTIFICATE.

She handed the official certificate to me with a smug little smile.

Checkmate.

I told her we could take off a dollar.

Sorry--that's library policy.

Unsolicited Reviewer Returns

It is now becoming a habit for the "Unsolicited Reviewer" to give us a review of whatever DVD he is dropping off that day.

Today he came in holding up "Broken Flowers" saying, "This goofy bastard (Bill Murray) shouldn't be allowed to act unless it's a comedy. I turned the goddamned thing off a quarter of the way in."

I wasn't quite sure how to respond to such a trenchant review. He may be the angriest reviewer I have ever seen.

The String Lady Provides Childcare

Little did we know that the String Lady has been providing gratis childcare back in our Children's section.

A 12 year old girl approached the Reference desk crying. It seems the girl ran home and got her mom because some "weird lady" back in the Children's freaked her out. The girl was told by the lady that she used to hold her as a baby and repeatedly asked her, "Don't you remember me?" Who did the Mom point out as the culprit? The String Lady.

Every time you think she's gone she pops up again like bad penny. Or a recurrent zit. Or a bill collector. Insert witticism here.

Driveby Poultry Pelting

Okay, someone just threw a severed goose head at the library.

I kid you not.

Should we be worried?

Woman, Know Thy Own Hold

This lady just came into the library to pick up her hold. Her hold is the new Amy Sedaris book. I handed her the hold and she looks at the book like I just took a crap on it.

"Who is Amy Sedaris?"

Um, she's David Sedaris' sister.

"Who's David Sedaris?? Did he write Eat, Leaves, Shoots?"

Uh, no. He wrote "Naked."

(Blank stare.)

You know, he wrote "Me Talk Pretty One Day."

(Blank stare.)

Amy Sedaris is a comedian, ma'am.

"Huh?"

Finally, she waved her hand irritably and said, "Whatever! I'll see if I like it!" and stormed away.

Sorry to ruin your day, Ma'am, with your own hold. She acted as if I was selling her a Time-Life book...

Monday Morning Fever

An older gentleman came up today and returned some movies. He said, "That Pulp Fiction is one goddamn vile show."

I say, "Mm."

But he had to go on.

"I only got halfway through it, but it was vile. If I ever meet John Travolta, I'll punch him in the face!"

As you know, my policy is not to engage with customers on their items, but this was too much.

I said, "Well, that was a role he was playing. He's not really..."

The guy interrupted, "Ah, that son-of-a-bitch! And to think I let my kids watch this show! I only let them watch it because of that Saturday Night Live movie."

I said, "Saturday Night Fever."

I think that might have pushed him over the edge because he stormed off. I wonder what would have happened if I had started reciting Ezekial 25:17.

Hmmm....

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Surprise! We're back and we have a guest poster today....


"I just had a classic dialogue with some querulous old bird at the desk.
She was at least eighty and she wanted her hold and she had extended it because of the [inclement weather] but it wasn't here.
She was very upset, practically shaking her fist at me.

I found out the title we had sent back was called...

wait for it...

"Overcoming Life's Disappointments."