The Dewey Diaries

Welcome to the Dewey Diaries sticky post

2012-12-31T14:52:00.000-08:00

If you are just joining us, we suggest that you start from the beginning (November 2004) so that you can savor every delicious library anecdote.

Enjoy!

(Disclaimer: These are not the stories of one library in particular. Rather, it is a clearinghouse for stories that have been sent into the Dewey Diaries and sanitized and buffed up for your reading pleasure.)

Conspiracy Theorist

2010-10-15T14:08:00.000-07:00

Patron: Have you looked outside today?

Me: Uh no. They don't let me out of the building.

Patron: You should really go look at the sky. Operation Cloverleaf is going on right now. They want you to think they are just contrails from airplanes but they aren't. They are really chemicals that the government is deliberately putting into the atmosphere. It's really scary.

Me: Huh. How about that.

Patron: If I were you, I wouldn't go outside today.

Me: Duly noted.

SIGH.......................................

Why Stop There?

2010-10-12T15:32:00.001-07:00

A patron just came in all fired up to the 4th Floor Desk and demandedto speak to the big boss. When I asked a few probing questions to get to the root of his dissatisfaction (trying to prevent the Big Boss from having to deal with this), I learned that he was all in a tizzy because he believes the entire fourth floor of the library should be moved to the first floor.

*crickets*

Yeah, that's gonna happen.

I decided maybe the Big Boss SHOULD handle this after all. So, I sent him on his merry way to the appropriate office.

Return of the Old Death's Head

2008-04-03T10:13:00.001-07:00

He's baaaaaaack!

The Old Death's Head showed up today in a ratty lumberjack coat looking more like a death's head than ever. He has finally wised up about interacting with staff and decided to use the self-check machine instead. Of course, he couldn't figure out how to use it.

As I observed his struggles, I tried to decide what to do. I knew if I approached him and offered to help that he would probably accuse me of being a condescending racist. (since he is a lily-white man who happens to have a Hispanic-sounding last name) Finally, he asked me for help and I assisted him with great tenderness and patience (and trepidation). He was all sweetness and light. And then we sang a duet. And little bluebirds fluttered around our heads.

I guess he doesn't remember that I'm the one who got him banned from the library. Ah, the power!

One Stop Shopping

2008-04-03T08:12:00.000-07:00

A guy just came to the circulation desk and asked if there was an "adult" section at the library. It's spring break and there's a lot of urchins running around here today, and I thought he meant a quiet place to get away from these damn kids.

But, no...

He leaned forward and said, "No, for... naughty stuff?" Oh. Oh!

No, no, we don't have a "naughty" section of the videos. Not yet, at least. I'm sure it's coming, though.

In the meantime, just another disappointed library patron...

I'm Little on the Inside

2008-03-06T10:22:00.000-08:00

One of the things I love about working in a public library is the fact that you get to interact with all kinds of people. And they are not always what they seem. There is one gentleman who is very tall and big and he wears black leather pants and he has swastikas tattooed on the back of his head. Rather scary. A real tough guy.

But...

...he checks out the lamest videos like Knight Rider and Full House. FULL HOUSE?!! Are you kidding me? Maybe he's one of those big guys who are little on the inside.

Yesterday he stopped a library employee in the parking lot and asked him why that school bus was parked there. The library worker looked. Big surprise. There was no school bus.

Uh, I'm backing away slowly...

The Unsolicited Reviewer is a Misogynist (big surprise)

2008-03-06T10:19:00.000-08:00

Also known as Mr. "I'm going to punch John Travolta in the face," the Unsolicited Reviewer is getting a lot of press lately. He wants to ban "Ladies Nights" at bars, baseball games and other venues. He was on a talk show and the host finally told him he needs therapy for his obsessive compulsiveness and his paranoia. The Unsolicited Reviewer compares himself to Rosa Parks fightin' for men's rights. He's our own local jackass!

New Book, Possible Lawsuit

2007-12-19T10:34:00.000-08:00

Dewey Diaries has been alerted to the publication of this book. We will be interested to see if this guy ripped us off.

(just kidding)

Customers Say the Darndest Things

2007-10-17T12:25:00.000-07:00

A regular patron came in today and was joshing with me about his driver's license photo and how his hair was dyed in the picture.

"Doesn't really look like me at all!"

I told him at least he didn't have Botox done just for the DMV.

He guffawed and then said loudly, "Or genital plastic surgery! HAW!"

Yeah. Heh heh. Genital... plastic... surgery.

I guess he topped me. Zing.

Spam is not Sexy(licious)

2007-07-17T16:21:00.000-07:00

So, this woman just came up to the circulation desk very upset about the spam in her email. She wanted to know who to call about it. I went over (sighing) to her computer and saw her Yahoo account with an email with the subject line: "Sexilicious in ****** Ya?" The lady pointed righteously at the sender and hysterically said:

"I DO NOT know this person! How did they get my address?! I asked
them to never again send me emails, but here is another one! And I am NOT
sexilicious!"

You got that right, lady...

The Unsolicited Reviewer Takes it to the Streets

2007-07-05T17:09:00.000-07:00

The Unsolicited Reviewer was in a local paper last week. He is currently protesting the fact that bars have "Ladies' Nite" but not "Dude's Nite." He says it's a violation of his civil liberties and of the Constitution.

I hope he wins his brave, brave fight. In the meantime, I await his next DVD-related rant.

The Bag Lady

2007-07-05T15:40:00.000-07:00

A middle-aged woman came to the desk and asked for a garbage bag. Unsure of what this woman's agenda could be, I decided to go ahead andjust give her what she wanted because I didn't want any trouble from her.

So, we give her the bag and...

...that's right...

...she wore it.

She's sitting at the computer right now wearing a big baggy clear-plastic trash bag from the neck down. Every time she moves she rustles. Apparently, she thinks our A/C is too cold.

How come I never think to ask for random items from the stores I go into?

These Aren't Happy Feet

2007-06-04T15:52:00.000-07:00

So, this stocky loud guy in his 50s with a black NYPD shirt, unshaven, with his mom/girlfriend/daughter creature just came up to pick up his printouts. He had printed out 16 sheets of all the nearest "shrinks" (his word). He only wanted six pages so he proceeded to dig out of his sock one dime, and then another dime, until he rolled off his sock (still standing somehow) and took out all the necessary dimes. He told me his socks were "stinky" (again---his word) and that I should soak the dimes in Clorax first. I genially nodded and whispered a chuckle--until he leaned forward to say,

"No, I'm serious. You need to soak those in Clorax."

I told him I'd take them in the back and do just that.

That's right, we're in the money laundering business here at the library...

Death Becomes Her

2007-05-18T08:34:00.000-07:00

Just had a patron with a 13 dollar fine.

She asked if she could get them excused because she had...

wait for it...

a DEATH CERTIFICATE.

She handed the official certificate to me with a smug little smile.

Checkmate.

I told her we could take off a dollar.

Sorry--that's library policy.

Unsolicited Reviewer Returns

2007-05-03T16:28:00.000-07:00

It is now becoming a habit for the "Unsolicited Reviewer" to give us a review of whatever DVD he is dropping off that day.

Today he came in holding up "Broken Flowers" saying, "This goofy bastard (Bill Murray) shouldn't be allowed to act unless it's a comedy. I turned the goddamned thing off a quarter of the way in."

I wasn't quite sure how to respond to such a trenchant review. He may be the angriest reviewer I have ever seen.

The String Lady Provides Childcare

2007-05-02T11:06:00.000-07:00

Little did we know that the String Lady has been providing gratis childcare back in our Children's section.

A 12 year old girl approached the Reference desk crying. It seems the girl ran home and got her mom because some "weird lady" back in the Children's freaked her out. The girl was told by the lady that she used to hold her as a baby and repeatedly asked her, "Don't you remember me?" Who did the Mom point out as the culprit? The String Lady.

Every time you think she's gone she pops up again like bad penny. Or a recurrent zit. Or a bill collector. Insert witticism here.

Driveby Poultry Pelting

2007-04-05T15:26:00.000-07:00

Okay, someone just threw a severed goose head at the library.

I kid you not.

Should we be worried?

Woman, Know Thy Own Hold

2007-02-15T15:50:00.000-08:00

This lady just came into the library to pick up her hold. Her hold is the new Amy Sedaris book. I handed her the hold and she looks at the book like I just took a crap on it.

"Who is Amy Sedaris?"

Um, she's David Sedaris' sister.

"Who's David Sedaris?? Did he write Eat, Leaves, Shoots?"

Uh, no. He wrote "Naked."

(Blank stare.)

You know, he wrote "Me Talk Pretty One Day."

(Blank stare.)

Amy Sedaris is a comedian, ma'am.

"Huh?"

Finally, she waved her hand irritably and said, "Whatever! I'll see if I like it!" and stormed away.

Sorry to ruin your day, Ma'am, with your own hold. She acted as if I was selling her a Time-Life book...

Monday Morning Fever

2007-01-22T15:11:00.000-08:00

An older gentleman came up today and returned some movies. He said, "That Pulp Fiction is one goddamn vile show."

I say, "Mm."

But he had to go on.

"I only got halfway through it, but it was vile. If I ever meet John Travolta, I'll punch him in the face!"

As you know, my policy is not to engage with customers on their items, but this was too much.

I said, "Well, that was a role he was playing. He's not really..."

The guy interrupted, "Ah, that son-of-a-bitch! And to think I let my kids watch this show! I only let them watch it because of that Saturday Night Live movie."

I said, "Saturday Night Fever."

I think that might have pushed him over the edge because he stormed off. I wonder what would have happened if I had started reciting Ezekial 25:17.

Hmmm....

You Can't Always Get What You Want

2007-01-12T14:19:00.000-08:00

Surprise! We're back and we have a guest poster today....

"I just had a classic dialogue with some querulous old bird at the desk.
She was at least eighty and she wanted her hold and she had extended it because of the [inclement weather] but it wasn't here.
She was very upset, practically shaking her fist at me.

I found out the title we had sent back was called...

wait for it...

"Overcoming Life's Disappointments."

Signing Off

2006-01-05T09:32:00.000-08:00

Well, all good things must come to an end and I have decided to leave my library job. There is only so much drama and indignity that one person can take. But I will miss the little absurdities of everyday library life. I wish I could pass the baton on to someone else but my co-workers are also all jumping ship.

Thank you for reading. I hope this little blog changed the way you look at public libraries. Keep supporting your library and check out lots of books!

Library Nazis?

2005-12-15T14:15:00.000-08:00

I think my co-worker G. must be feeling a bit impish today.

A woman just came up and asked G. where they came up with the logo for our library system.

G. looked at her for a moment and said, " I think it's a swastika."

The woman looked taken aback and said, "Well, I think it is closer to a Star of David."

Why do we have to choose?

Honestly, I always thought it was quilt pattern. But evidently, it's like some kind of Rorschach test.
Hmmm.....

A Jerk in Any Other Language...

2005-11-22T11:01:00.000-08:00

So, this man just came in and asked me if I speak Spanish. I told him I speak a little bit of Spanish. (we conducted the rest of this conversation in Spanish) He told me he was looking for a movie. I asked him for the title. There was a verb in the title I didn't recognize but that didn't stop me from looking for it. I couldn't find it in our system so I searched other ones. It never showed up. Finally, I asked him if the title could be slightly different since I couldn't find it. He finally told me that the whole thing was a joke.

He said, "The movie title means "Spank the Librarian."

I gave him a withering look. Thanks for offending me and wasting my time. I guess jerks are the same in any language.

Library as Local Nerd Repository

2005-11-10T13:00:00.000-08:00

A young woman just came in and asked my co-worker G. to summarize the Odyssey for her because she was on her way to class. A five-minute summary probably isn't the best course of action. And it probably isn't entirely ethical for us to do someone's homework for them. But hey, we love to talk about Greek mythology. So, G. and I started telling her the story of the Odyssey. It was a bit overwhelming for her. When we got to the part about Odysseus proving himself by the stringing of his bow, I joked that:

"Of course, we really know that Xena was hidden under the table and she was really the one who helped Odysseus prove himself by helping him to string the bow."

The girl said, "Oh really?!"

G. and I laughed and hurried to tell her that no, Xena was not really part of the Odyssey.

But wouldn't it be funny if she brought that up in class?

As I Lay Trekking

2005-11-03T14:37:00.000-08:00

A customer just came in and asked G. to renew one of her books.

"Yeah, could you renew it? It's a book by William Shatner."

G. paused.

"You mean, the one by William FAULKNER that is check out on your card?"

"Oh, yeah. Faulkner."

It's an easy mistake to make.

Is This Possible?!

2005-10-19T14:22:00.000-07:00

Okay, so things are going from bad to worse around here.

About two years ago, a new Director hit town with all kinds of ideas about how to change the library. (She sits directly under the City Librarian) Clearly, she has never heard the saying, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." She preceeded to move our focus to multimedia items that "circulate." Thus, thousands of books are hitting the trash to make room for DVDs. Then, she decided to force each library into a "type" and then change the collection at each library to fit its "type." So, you can now no longer go into a library and find the typical things you would expect to find. If you want a children's book, you should go to one of the children-focused libraries. If you want a video, you should go to one of the media-based libraries. It's really ridiculous.

The ultimate happened today, though.

She has now decreed that not every library will have librarians. Some libraries will have computer terminals where you can chat with a librarian online. But there will be no physical librarians in some of our branches.

Call me crazy, but what is a library without a librarian? What is this world coming to?

The Library as Garden of Eden

2005-10-17T08:36:00.000-07:00

So, we came into work on Saturday and there was a snake in front of our display cases. My boss immediately panicked and ran to the break room where we found her standing on a chair. My co-worker and I scooped the snake up and took him outside. I was afraid that people would start throwing large dictionaries at it if we didn' t take action.

Later that day, the Lord of the Ring came in and hinted that he wanted me to go to church with him. I told him there was a library policy about employees going to church with patrons. Sorry.

Maybe that snake was sign. A sign that I need to get out of this crazy place.

(In response to my last blog, the library does not back up employees in trying to deal with unattended children. We are not allowed to post signs or enforce policy. It's their way of backing up and empowering staff. ha. )

A Library or Just Inadequate Childcare?

2005-10-03T10:32:00.000-07:00

One thing I have noticed in my time at the library is that many people try to use the library as free childcare. They will come and dump their children here and take off. Or they will tell their latch-key children to stay here until they get home from work. The problem is that we don't have the time or the resources or the responsibility to watch over these children. And we have had our share of perverts too.
Another problem is that parents will wander off to use computers and leave their kids without telling them where they are. Two lost little girls today were hiding in the children's section crying because they couldn't find their mom. I found the poor excuse for a parent on the other side of the library cruising the internet. It is so irresponsible and makes me so angry.
We have several well-meaning male customers who have tried to help lost children from time to time. On two occasions, we have seen a male customer pick up a female child and wander around the library with her looking for a parent. Now, I know they mean well, but let's face it, in this day and age it's not always a good idea for a male strange to carry around a female child. It just isn't. They should turn the child over to a staff member. Because inevitably the loser parent freaks out when they see a strange man carrying their child.
What's a library worker to do?

The Magical Bookdrop

2005-09-22T12:53:00.000-07:00

A lady asked me yesterday,
"When I drop my items in the bookdrop, they are automatically checked in right?"

Yes, and little elves come and reshelve the books at night.

The library is truly a magical wonderland.

Lord of the Ring Strikes Back

2005-09-19T12:59:00.000-07:00

Remember the Lord of the Ring? (henceforth to be referred to as LOTR) Well, he seems to have a little thing for me and always seeks me out in the library. I try to be pleasant and friendly while maintaining a safe distance.

Well, he comes in today and comes to the Circulation Desk. I greet him and ask him if the items he has are for return. He nods his head. I return them and he goes out into the stacks to look for more items.

After I came back from lunch, my co-worker G. pulled me aside to tell me that the Lord of the Ring had complained to our manager. He told her that he believes G. has turned me against him (LOTR) by claiming that he (LOTR) is a homosexual. He says I'm just not as friendly as I used to be and he knows it is G.'s fault. He is now going to the City Librarian with this tale of woe.

So, gentle readers, I if you hear in the news about a crazy person going in a shooting up a library because they claimed he was a homosexual, think good thoughts for me.

The DVD Phenomenon

2005-09-08T14:15:00.000-07:00

We have just started receiving DVDs and I have noticed a new phenomenon taking place. We only have a few of them so we keep them on the circulation desk. As soon as we reach over the desk to reshelve one, people will grab it out of our hands.

"I don't care what it is as long as it's a DVD!!!"

"You do realize that you just ripped Wishmaster 18 3/4 out of my hands?"

"Yes but it's a DVD!"

It's the most bizarre obsession I have ever seen.

There is a man that comes in every day and gets more DVDs. I think he has pretty much made it all the way through our collection at this point. And that is all he ever checks out. I have to restrain myself from saying, "How about a book to go with your DVDs?"

I just put out a DVD documentary about Karl Rove. I can't wait to see who grabs it. After all, it's a DVD.

Typewriter Man

2005-08-10T11:18:00.000-07:00

So, it is our policy in our library to charge ten cents a page for printouts. This covers the cost of paper and toner, etc. We also have a typewriter which is 25 cents for fifteen minutes of use. We give the customer two sheets of paper and after that we charge 10 cents a page. We do this to be fair and equitable. Since customers who print out are charged ten cents a page, it is only fair to also charge for paper use with the typewriter. Of course, people can bring in their own paper for free.

Well, Crazy Typewriter Man came in today and wanted a whole bunch of paper. I gave him two sheets and said he could come back for more at ten cents a page. He yelled in my face that that was ridiculous! We should give him all the paper he wants for free! I tried to explain about being fair and that this helped us cover the cost of maintenance and paper. I then suggested that he speak with a senior librarian or the city librarian to voice his concerns. He flew into a rage and shouted at me,

"I will not be talking to any LIBRARIAN! I'm going straight to the mayor's office about this right now! You'll be hearing from us!"

After he shook his fist in my face, I said to him "Good luck with that!"

C'mon people. Quit taking advantage of your library. We don't have any money and we can't supply you with office supplies.

And I'm sure the mayor will LOVE hearing about this.

5 Cent Lady

2005-07-27T18:23:00.000-07:00

So, this woman comes in and turns in a book SO LATE that her fines come to $8.00. Immediately, she starts blaming the library for HER lateness. But she adds a new twist...

Lady: Well, I'm not paying that much. The library has only ever charge me 5 cents a day before. I was just here last month and only paid a 5 cent per day fine.

Clerk: Well, that surprises me because our fines have never been five cents a day. In fact, they are currently 25 cents per day per item.

Lady: Well, I've only ever paid five cents a day and I'm not paying more than that.

At this point, she pulls our her receipt from the month before which shows that she paid a 75 cent fine for being three days late. I point out to her that that equals 25 cents a day.

Lady: Well, I think it was much later than that. And I'm only going to ever pay five cents a day or I'm not going to use the library again.

This is one of my favorite arguments from patrons. They think they can treat us like a retail establishment. Threatening me with losing your business really isn't going to get you anywhere. Let's see....we make zero dollars off you a year and you are threatening to take away your business which would be a loss of zero dollars...hmmmm....

Clerk: So you are saying that although everyone else pays 25 cents a day for being late that you should only be charged 5 cents a day.

Lady: That's right.

Clerk: Well, when you sign up for a library card you agree to the terms. And as long as you turn items in on time, the service is absolutely free. This book was 32 days late. The fine will be $8.00.

Lady: Well, I'm never using the library again.

Clerk: Okay then. Enjoy Barnes and Noble and Blockbuster! (just kidding...I didn't really say that)

Library...Post Office...Same Thing

2005-07-18T14:45:00.000-07:00

Our mail carrier just came in and handed me two library items that someone had dropped in the mailbox at the post office.

Now, I know we are both public institutions, people, but you can't mail items at the library and you can't return library items to the post office.

Just wanted to make that clear.

I Don't Get It

2005-07-13T10:39:00.000-07:00

So, the Queen of the Non-Sequitors just came in and headed over to the reference desk where our intern was working. Our intern is a young brunette who is currently working on her MLS. So, the Queen asks her to put a few items on hold and while the intern is doing this, the Queen says,

"So, you're really not a blonde. You're more of a chestnut."

Um, thanks for the info.

What was the point of that statement? Anyone?

Your Local Head Shop

2005-07-11T11:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is a first. I just returned a copy of the LOVE WIFE by Gish Jen and a bag of marijuana blunts fell out of it.

Gee, thanks dude.

The String Lady Returns

2005-06-29T17:46:00.000-07:00

Remember the String Lady? Well, she returned a few days ago with new craziness for us. First, she approached my female co-worker K. and asked her, "Can I ask you a personal question?"

K. is a no-nonsense person so she said, "No. I will only answer questions about library business."

String Lady: "Could I just whisper it in your ear?"

K: "No."

String Lady: "Well, I just wanted to know if you stuff your bra."

(cue the crickets)

K: "If you have any questions regarding library business, I will be happy to answer them. Otherwise, I can't help you."

String Lady came up with a few more crazy requests but K. ignored her and referred her to our boss.

Never a dull moment...

Luddite Library Patron

2005-06-13T11:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, we're feeling a little baffled.

Most libraries have moved to an online form of Ye Old Carde Catalogue. This isn't something new or even shocking. I haven't seen a library with the old-fashioned pull-out drawer card catalog in years.

Well, a man just came and looked around for the old school catalog and when he discovered that we only had a computer version, he flew into a rage and stormed out of the building.

Hey, buddy! Join the rest of us in the 21st century. Or even the late 20th for that matter.

Library for Your Pet

2005-06-08T18:42:00.000-07:00

A customer came in today and asked me where we kept our cat videos. He had a thick accent and I tried to verify what he was asking.

"Do you mean the musical 'Cats'?"

"No! I want videos for my cats to watch."

Now, I know these things exist but I don't think the library carries them and I have no idea how to look that up in our system. I mean, we don't exactly have a section for "Pet Videos." So, I referred the customer to our Reference desk.

He didn't like that at all and left.

Maybe next time he comes in, I'll suggest videos about fish.

Yet Again...

2005-05-19T12:38:00.000-07:00

The Queen of the Non-Sequitors came in today and as I was checking her items out, she pointed to two children checking out at the next computer. They were both under 5 and they were laughing and being silly.

She said, "Look at those kids!" She started laughing.

I said, "Yeah, they're really cute, huh?"

We both laughed and then she left.

About ten minutes later, the Queen returned. She waited for me to help a customer and then came up to me and said,

"Just so you know, I was laughing WITH those children. Not AT them. There's a difference."

Uh, okay.

She actually felt the need to return to the library to tell me that.

I love that lady.

We're Back

2005-05-12T10:26:00.000-07:00

I know it has been awhile. We were strongly discouraged from continuing this blog but we will soldier on until they come to take us away.

So, the Queen of the Non-Sequitors came in today and while I was checking her out she said,

"I smell something. Some kind of fragrance."

"Well, I'm wearing perfume."

"That must be it. It's kind of...different. It smells like...I don't know what. What is it?"

"Vera Wang."

"What's that?"

"She's a designer."

"Oh, I've heard of her. She does expensive stuff. Well, it smells okay. It doesn't bother me too much. Bye."

Glad I could oblige.

The Gender Gap

2005-04-18T18:20:00.000-07:00

I was making a library card for a gentleman today and while I was entering his information into the computer, he said to me,

"Be sure that you enter my gender as male. Because I'm a guy. And I didn't put it down on the form."

I looked at him for any sign of joking or humor. I didn't find it.

I made sure to enter him as a woman.

The Library Heartthrob

2005-04-17T13:44:00.000-07:00

We have a new clerk here at our little library and already he is having an effect on the ladies.

A few days ago, this older lady said to him,

"Did anyone ever tell you that you look like a younger, cuter Woody Harrelson?"

"Um. no."

"And you have a really nice torso. You could be a model. But I bet you get that all the time. I'm not hitting on you, though."

"Uh, okay."

Hmm... Maybe B. SHOULD quit his day job. Wouldn' t that make a great story?

"I was discovered when I was working as a library clerk. Now, I'm a world famous torso model."

It would be like an E! True Hollywood story. In the meantime, I'm sure we will all enjoy watching the little old ladies swoon over B.

The Queen of the Non Sequitors Returns

2005-04-14T13:32:00.000-07:00

Before I share today's brief anecdote, I would like to stress once again that you, gentle reader, only hear the very worst of library life. Most of our customers are quite lovely people. They are pleasant, friendly, polite, return their library items on time and cheerfully pay their fines. Some even bring us treats at Christmas. It's just the few bad apples that we tend to write about at the Dewey Diaries. But, they are the most interesting.

The Queen of the Non Sequitors (see earlier post) is actually a very sweet lady and we like her. When we see her walk in the door, we always eagerly anticipate what she will say because she has such a unique way of viewing the world.

Today, she came in talking about how hot it was outside.

"Whew! It's really hot out there."

I replied, "Oh really."

She paused and said, "Yeah, you know. From the sun."

OH! From the sun!

She then told me it was HOT enough to give you a sunburn.

I love that lady.

The Unaccountable

2005-04-07T18:41:00.000-07:00

One of the things that makes me angriest about working at the library is the fact that most patrons do not want to take responsibility for themselves. They all come in with this sense of entitlement like the library owes them something. They don't seem to understand that using the library is a PRIVILEGE and not a RIGHT.

Case in point...

I was having a pretty good workday yesterday until about the last fifteen minutes. This woman comes in with a collections letter. Evidently, her daughter told her she had nothing checked out. In reality, she had thirteen books hidden in her room that were due in December. So, the mom gets this collections notice and finds nine of the books in the child's room. After checking those nine books back in, the fines went down to about $190.oo. I explained to the woman that if she found the last four, her fines would go down to $150.00. (basically, a maximum fine of $10 for each book and a $20 fine from the collections agency) Well, the woman throws a fit and refuses to pay saying that it is all the LIBRARY'S fault. She says the library has a responsibility to tell people if they have overdue items.

I know $150 seems harsh. However, we already have a 39 day grace period for children's items. And we DO give an automated phone call if an item is 10 days overdue. And send a letter after that. But we did not have the woman's correct info since she had moved.

The library is a great deal. You can check out all the DVDs, CDs, videos, books and magazines that you want for FREE! All you have to do is return them on time. It's not that hard. And yet, people like this woman continue to try to shift accountability for their actions onto the library. Amazing.

The Prince

2005-03-30T18:09:00.000-08:00

This man came in today and asked me for the title "The Prince of Machiavelli." It took me a moment but then I asked him,

"You mean, "The Prince" by Machiavelli?"

I figured that would end the matter but he chose to argue with me.

"No, I think you're wrong. It's not BY Machiavelli. It's called "The Prince of Machiavelli."

I looked at him and thought, "Why is this guy arguing with me? I work in a library!"

I calmly told him that no, that wasn't the title. Machiavelli is the author. I ordered it for him and told him that if it ended up being the wrong one, he could send it back. I guess we'll see.

The Whiner

2005-03-19T12:39:00.000-08:00

Ah Saturdays. So tedious. So tiresome. So full of whiners.

At my humble little library system, it is our policy that if a customer is waiting for an item, you cannot renew it. This holds true of any item in our system, regardless if it is new or not.

A customer approached my co-worker J. and just threw a ginormous s***fit just now because she couldn't renew an item because someone is waiting for it. She started yelling, "This is ridiculous! You should always get at least one renewal. No matter what!"

Now, if this woman was the one WAITING for the item, I bet we'd hear another story. She'd complain that someone was allowed to keep it for one three-week checkout to begin with.

So, this whiner is so upset that she demanded to speak the manager about the library's policy. So, far she has been bitching for about 15 minutes. And since we only have two librarians, this is causing a giant line at the reference desk while she pleads her groundless case.

Sigh.

The Marquis de Sade's Acolyte

2005-03-14T10:55:00.000-08:00

Before I begin today's anecdote, I would like to address a certain topic. Blue2go wrote in asking about the library's homeless policy. Our library, like many others, has a policy of letting the homeless into the building on wretchedly cold days. This is a policy that I really like. (unlike most of the library's policies)

We have one homeless person who comes to our branch. I may have mentioned him before. We call him Smokey Lonesome. (after a character from "Fried Green Tomatoes") He comes in and looks at magazines all day and then leaves. One of my co-workers offered him a coat one time but he refused to take it. I worry about him during the coldest parts of the year and I hope he finds a warm place at night.

Now, on to today's story.

This crazy-eyed man came into the library recently to return some books and pick up some holds. All of his holds were books written by the Marquis de Sade. He grinned at me and asked me if I had ever heard of "this de SAY-d guy." [sic] I told him that I had read some of his stuff back in college and didn't care for it. Crazy-Eyes proceeded to expound upon the Marquis' virtues and how he had profound things to say about women.

Riiiigggghhttt.

Anyways, he said he was trying to read everything about the Marquis that he could get his hands on and that every night before he goes to bed, he reads a little bit of it. I'm sure that makes for sweet dreams. As I listened to this man spout absolute inaccuracies about the Marquis de Sade and his writings, I couldn't resist throwing in a little recommedation of my own. I guess I'll never learn.

I said, "Well, have you seen the movie "Quills?"

Crazy-Eyes responded, "Kills?"

"No, Quills! You know, like...a feather pen?"

I put the movie into his hand and felt I had accomplished some good in the world.

So far, the man has checked it out three times.

I hope that we don't read in the paper soon about a local crazy-eyed man who was conducting a sado-masochistic Romper Room in his basement based on books and movies he picked up at the library. Time will tell.

The String Lady

2005-03-01T16:04:00.000-08:00

Sometimes working at the library makes me feel like a sad clown in the Theatre of the Absurd.

I walked out for my final desk shift yesterday and there was a woman standing there with paperbacks from our booksale covering half of the circulation desk. That in itself wasn't that strange. She had just paid for the books (approx. 30 mass market paperbacks) and one of our employees had given her a ball of string. Don't ask me why. So, the woman was working on this elaborate art project with the string and books. She was tying up little parcels of paperbacks books and covering them with string. But she didn't contect herself with this level of eccentricity alone...oh no....she had to accost other patrons as well.

She took it upon herself to chase after several customers and ask if they had small children. Ostensibly to inform them about the library's children's programs. Why she felt the need to act as our publicist, I don't know. Then, when a police officer came in to pick up his holds, she leaned across the desk and said, "I didn't know you people knew how to read." Nice. Then, she grabbed a book called Tropical Spa off of an endcap and ran over to an elderly Japanese woman with it. She thrust it into the startled woman's hands saying, "This looks like something you might be interested in." Really? On what basis?

After an hour of tying up books, the String Lady demanded that my co-worker J. load them into individual sacks for her and then promised to return soon.

We can hardly wait.

Don't Engage

2005-02-28T15:38:00.000-08:00

Sorry we haven't written lately but we only want to bring you the choicest library anecdotes.

I have lost my ability to maintain a disinterested distance from my customers. I know I shouldn't comment or argue but I just can't stop myself.

Case in point...

This morning, a woman brought in two lost computer books. She had been sent to Collections and charged a lost fee and processing fee for each item. Because she returned them, we removed the lost fees and processing fees which left her with a $10 late fee on each item. The woman threw a fit and said it was ridiculous that she should have to pay $20 for the two computer books since she could go out and buy them for that much.

At this point, I should have just shut up and taken the money. But, of course, I didn't.

I just couldn't stop myself. This woman actually thought she could buy two computer books for $20. On what planet?!! So, I took it upon myself to school her a bit on the reality of the book world.

I picked up the books and showed her the purchase price....$60 for one and $40 for another. I said, "Considering how much computer books cost retail, you couldn't buy these two for $20."

"I could if I got them at Costco."

"Really. You think you could find these same EXACT two titles at Costco for less. Huh."

"$20 in fines for two books is highway robbery."

"Um, okay."

The thing is, I should just let these things go and not engage with the customers. My co-worker G. is great at that because he just doesn't care. But I still feel the need to correct people in their ignorance. I think my days at the library may be numbered.

The Return of the Phantom

2005-02-17T13:03:00.000-08:00

You know how in most relationships you get to the point where the irritating things your partner does go from being cute to just irritating?

That's the point I think I'm getting to with the library.

We have so many customers and volunteers who are just as sweet and cute as they can be. But eventually, their little quirks start to drive you mad.

For example, this very dear old lady came to the library one time and got B., our librarian, to help her with the internet. He sat with her for an hour looking things up for her. She was so grateful and we all felt very happy that we could help her. Unfortunately, we set a dangerous precedent. Now, she feels entitled to this kind of service. She wants to sit behind the reference desk and have B. do all of her internet searching for her every time she comes in. Even if there is a line of people waiting for his help at the desk. Now, she certainly needs help and we are happy to do it but this causes quite a problem when you only have two and a half librarians to cover 48 hours worth of open library time in a given week.

We also have a volunteer who is very sweet and very dedicated. She has been volunteering for years and she never misses a shift. HOWEVER...she will only work with adult fiction books. She will not do returns with children's items or media items. Also, she has to have one certain cart and if we have stuff on it, we have to stop and unload it and move the items to another cart just so she can have that one particular cart. Also, she wants to have plenty of time to go through our booksale books before anyone else sees them and then go through our cash drawers to find state quarters that she is missing. I sometimes wonder how much time a volunteer actually saves us if she is so high maintenance.

I can think of many examples like these. People that we genuinely like but whose little quirks are starting to make us crazy!

Speaking of crazy, the Phantom of the Library came back in today to go through the whole irritating spiel with me again. I am so sick of talking about the Charles Dance t.v. version of Phantom with these people. You would think it was the most important thing in the world that they see this movie. If I have to deal with them much more, I may be the one to run mad through the basement of the library! I think we may eventually just take up a collection and buy them the stupid video just so we don't have to hear about it anymore! Damn you Charles Dance and your t.v. Phantom version!

(if you haven't read my tale of woe about the Phantom yet...follow the link below)
http://deweydiaries.blogspot.com/2005/02/phantom-of-library.html

Mea Culpa

2005-02-14T10:04:00.000-08:00

So, I know it seems that we were picking on a sweet little old lady in our last entry. The only reason I included the anecdote was because this woman had a history of crazy questions and librarian abuse. Obviously, we always try to offer the best customer service possible. We have been known to drive to other branches on our lunch hours to pick up books for customers. We have loaded up bags of books and carried them out for our elderly customers. We have made long-distance calls on our own dimes to find something for a customer. I myself have gone over to an assisted living establishment to make library cards and hand out information on my own time. Because we are in a small branch, we often develop personal relationships with our customers. However, we also see examples of the very worst in people. Woman in fur coats ranting about having to pay a twenty cent fine. People complaining about not getting their DVDs fast enough. Mothers bragging about how their kids can watch TWENTY videos in one week. (they actually think this is something to be proud of) I bear no ill will towards Crazy Lady. It just amazes me sometimes with the stuff she comes up with. If it had been anyone else, we probably would have found the episode cute and endearing. I promise, gentle readers, there is no elder abuse going on here. Most of our patrons we really truly like. But they just don't make for good Dewey Diaries material. And we have to keep our readers entertained.

Someone Call the People in White Coats!

2005-02-09T17:48:00.000-08:00

We try to only write in the Dewey Diaries when we have especially choice anecdotes. Luckily, that seems to happen almost every day. I was getting worried that we wouldn't have anything for you today but then....

There is a crazy lady who loves to call the library. Unfortunatley, we don't have an epithet for her yet. Let's just call her....Crazy Lady. Anyway, she calls with absolutely ridiculous questions and then never seems satisfied with the answers she receives. She will try and keep the librarians on the phone for hours. It often gets to the point that they have no other recourse but to hang up on her.

Well, we heard from Crazy Lady again tonight. She called and asked for the Reference Desk. This was her question...

"I'm stuck in my garage and I want you to tell me Jerry's phone number. He's the guy that repairs my garage door."

Oh, right! Jerry! Everybody knows Jerry!

The librarian was unable to get any more information out of Crazy Lady and didn't know what to do. The woman got more and more agitated as she couldn't understand why we couldn't find Jerry's number. Eventually, the librarian had to hang up on her.

How do you get stuck in your garage anyway? If she can't find Jerry, maybe we have heard the last of Crazy Lady. I kinda hope so.

The Phantom of the Library

2005-02-05T13:00:00.000-08:00

As if I don't suffer enough little indignities each day in my job...

A woman came in today to pick up a hold. It was the DVD "Phantom of the Opera" with Lon Cheney. When she saw the DVD, she started freaking out.

"Why do you people keep doing this to us?!! We don't want the Lon Cheney version. We want the tv miniseries with Burt Lancaster. And Teri Polo. And Charles Dance."

I looked up the version that she wanted and noticed that it was currently on order for the library. And that this woman was on the wait list. I told her that we had ordered it and that she was first in line for it but that it hadn't come in yet.

"That's a lie! You are just not telling the truth! We have been waiting for this movie SINCE NOVEMBER!!! You're just lying to me."

Like I would lie about something as serious as Phantom of the Opera with Charles Dance.

So finally, I told her, "Well, you can either wait for this version to come in or, if you really need it, you try and find it at Blockbuster."

She gave me a withering look and yelled, "I'm not going to PAY for a video!"

And then she stormed off as I said, "Well, I guess it's not that important, huh?"

I hate being yelled at for irrational reasons. After this unsettling altercation, I decided there was only one thing to do. I put the LON CHENEY version BACK on hold for her. I can't wait to see her face when it comes in AGAIN. Maybe it will finally push her into madness. I picture her roaming the basement of the library with her face covered in genre stickers, haunting us all with her singing and organ playing.

Disclaimer

2005-02-03T13:58:00.000-08:00

Gentle Readers--
We at the Dewey Diairies do not believe in censorship. However, we do have a well-developed sense of self-preservation. So, it was our sad duty to remove a few comments from our last post. Not for any digressions or moments of impropriety. Simply to protect our anonymity. Thank you for your understanding. We may not love our jobs but we still need them. Plus, the mask of anonymity allows us to be so wickedly blunt and truthful. It's fabulous.

The Moral to this Story...

2005-02-02T13:51:00.000-08:00

All right children, gather around. I have a story to tell you.

Once upon a time, some people decided to buy a house right next door to a public library. Before long, they became very irritated with all the comings and goings and other activites that surrounded this library. Now, being good Americans, they didn't say to themselves, "Well, I guess we made a bad decision moving into this house next to a library." Instead, they went to their city councilperson and complained about the noise from the library delivery trucks. Because of these people, delivery is now always delayed by two days, inconveniencing hundreds of people.

But that's not all, little children.

One day, the library neighbors' house was broken into. Now, that is very unfortunate. But they didn't exactly live in the nicest and safest of neighborhoods. But, true to form, the neighbors immediately marched in to blame the library. They demanded that the library build them a new security fence since the intruders "probably" came from the library parking lot. Chances are, these people will get their way and your poor library workers will be out in the cold building a fence

The moral to this story, children, is that the squeaky wheel always gets the oil. So never take responsibility for anything and always blame someone else!

Death and Taxes

2005-01-31T15:41:00.000-08:00

People say that there are only two things in this world that you can count on...death and taxes. I would like to add one more. You can count on the fact that people will drive you crazy about tax forms to the point that you want to kill them. (that's where the "death and taxes" allusion comes in)

Ever since I've worked in this library system, we haven't carried tax forms. Yet every year starting in mid-December, people start coming into the library asking for them. They get very passionate on the subject. I have to wonder why people need tax forms in mid-December in the first place. People aren't even required to send your tax stuff like W-2 forms until the end of January anyway. But people get very fanatical on this subject. You can try telling them that tax forms are available on the internet or that they can call to have them sent but people get very offended by those suggestions. "I thought all libraries carried tax forms! You had them last year!"

Uh, no we didn't.

Today's Dewey Diaries comes from another branch in our system that puts a new spin on this tax form irritation.

A woman called this library branch demanding to know WHY she hadn't received her tax forms yet in the mail. Well, first of all, we're not the government. And second of all, we're not the post office. So, why would we know where your tax forms are? The best part, though, is that when the circulation desk picked up the call and heard the question, they immediately transferred the call to Reference. Like the librarians would know where this woman's tax forms were.

So, People everywhere take note, we do NOT carry tax forms.

The Post 9/11 Willies

2005-01-26T16:06:00.000-08:00

Ever since 9/11 and the inception of the Patriot Act, I have noticed that people get really crazy trying to do their "civic duty." I guess civic duty now means "inform on your neighbors" and "ignore civil rights."

For example, one woman came up to the desk to pick up her hold. The hold happened to be a copy of the Koran. Before she took the book, she looked at me and asked, "Can you tell me who had this book before me?"

I responded, "No, I can't do that. That would violate privacy law."

The woman then replied, "Well, I just want to know if any MUSLIMS (she actually whispered this word) had it before me because they might have put anthrax or something in it to poison Americans."

"Well, I've handled it and my co-workers have handled it and none of us have keeled over so that's all I can tell you."

I mean, c'mon lady!

Another woman (why is it always hysterical women?) came up to me one day to tell me that "an Arab man" was looking at bomb-making on one of our computers and she wanted me to call the police. Well, we also have people looking at pornography and, even worse, Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code website, but I'm not calling the police on them. It's called "free speech!" Look into it.

People, just because someone is looking at something that you object to on the internet doesn't mean it is for nefarious purposes. Maybe they are doing research or writing a paper on the subject. Although certain powers that be want us turning on each other and becoming local government informants, some of us still believe in free speech and privacy and will continue to fight the good fight against censorship.

The Conspiracy Theorist

2005-01-18T16:00:00.000-08:00

A man just came into the library and asked me if we carry the book "Vaccine-A: The Covert Government Experiment That's Killing Our Soldiers." I looked it up and found that we had a copy on the shelf and gave him the call number. He told me he didn't want the book, he just wanted information on it.

He wanted to know how many copies we had and if people were checking them out. I told him the majority of the copies were currently available. So no, it's not a hot item.

He then wanted to know if the FBI was monitoring who was checking it out.

I told him that the FBI could only look at our records with a warrant. He wanted to know if I was absolutely, positively sure that the government wasn't monitoring this book. I told him I couldn't absolutely, positively tell him for sure but that that was our policy.

The then went and grabbed the book off the shelf and waved it in my face telling me that it was 100% true. He said he was a Gulf War vet and the government experimented on him giving him everything from rheumatoid arthritis to multiple sclerosis. I wasn't sure what to say so I said, "Wow, that sucks."

He then stated loudly, "I will NEVER stop telling people about this book!"

And then he stalked out of the library.

Well, okay then. Good luck with that.

Don't Come Here for Tech Support

2005-01-13T14:37:00.000-08:00

Just now, a sweet elderly lady came up to the desk to ask my co-worker G. a question.

She wanted to know what HDTV was because she had just gotten a DVD player for Christmas and read in the instructions that you should check if you have an HDTV. She wanted to know how she could check if her current television was an HDTV.

G. replied, "Well, I haven't seen very many of them. They're pretty expensive and chances are you don't have one. They look different from regular tv."

Lady: "Oh really? How are they different?

G.: "Well, HD stands for High Definition. When you are watching it, it feels like you are falling into endless space."

Lady: "Oh my. I'm not sure I'd like that."

G.: "Yeah, it's like looking into an aquarium only with little people instead of fish."

Lady:"Oh, really?"

G."Yeah, it will totally blow your mind. I'd be careful if I were you."

At this point, the lady looked at me and whispered, "I think he's high."

And G. said, "I'm high on library science. Yeah!"

Never let it be said that we don't have fun tormenting our customers.

Could this Humble Library Worker be next?!

2005-01-12T13:17:00.000-08:00

Check out this article on a poor British bookseller who got sacked for blogging about his job.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/online/weblogs/story/0,14024,1388466,00.html

As least in the good ole' U S of A we still believe in free speech! Am I right? Who's with me? (Do I hear the sound of crickets chirping?)

Just in case, we'll still keep things anonymous here.

The Sexiest Couple at the Library

2005-01-11T11:20:00.000-08:00

There is an Indian couple that comes into the library on a regular basis and they only check out videos and DVDs. Sounds pretty normal, right? But wait! There's a twist.

The videos are all sex-related in some form or fashion. My co-workers and I think they regularly do a sweep of the library catalog searching for the keywords: sex, nudity or erotic.

It's getting to be quite amusing. When the delivery comes in, we always jokingly make catcalls and wolf whistles when we see the latest sexy addition to this couple's movie repertoire.

I think my favorite moment was when "The Passion of Christ" came in as a hold for them. I turned to G. and said, "Boy, are they going to be disappointed!" And then we collapsed into hysterics. I wonder how it went over. Hmmm...

Ever since this couple rolled into town, the library has gotten a whole lot sexier!

Your Information Clearinghouse

2005-01-10T10:21:00.000-08:00

Since when did it become a prerequisite for a library job that you have to know EVERYTHING?!!

Five minutes ago, a gentleman with overdue books (!) came in to pick up some new holds. After I helped him, he asked me where to find information on bus schedules. I told him I thought that there was probably a website with that information but I wasn't sure what the web address was.

The man immediately got angry and started yelling at me about how at the OTHER library branch the person behind the desk knew the answer to his question and he couldn't understand why I didn't. "You'd think you could come to the library and people would be able to answer your questions! After all, you're standing behind the desk!!!"

Since when do I have to know the answer to every idiot question just because I stand behind a desk?!!

I really wanted to go off on the guy but I managed to control my temper. After all, if he rides the stupid bus all the time, why doesn't HE know where to find the bus schedules!!!

Some days, it's hard to find the humor in this job. People get so irate over the most inconsequential things. And they direct all their anger at you. And it gets really old. I think on my last day at the library, I'm finally going to tell all these bastards exactly what I think of them.

The Russian Gambler

2005-01-10T09:22:00.000-08:00

Well, Dewey Diaries is back from the holidays with more exciting stories from the front.

There is a man who used to come in around closing every night. He was Russian and he was always looking up websites on gambling. And he was a real jerk. He would always refuse to leave when we closed and was always causing problems. One night, as we were trying to lock up, he came up to the circulation desk to pick up his printouts. It is our policy that people can print documents from the internet at a cost of ten cents a page. Well, this jerk comes up and has printed about fifty pages and he only has about 25 cents. He starts arguing with me that I should just GIVE him the printouts for free. I told him I would hold the pages for him if he wanted to come back the following day to pick them up but that he couldn't have them for free. Of course, these were pages about gambling that he needed that night so that didn't make him happy. He threw a fit and stormed out of the library. On his way out, he stopped and said to my co-worker G., "Your sister is crazy!"

G. responded, "Oh, she's not my sister."

Note: G. did not say that I wasn't crazy. He just said I wasn't his sister. Thanks, buddy.

The Russian Gambler disappeared for awhile after that. But recently, he has been seen in the library. Maybe we'll experience more magic together. In the meantime, I would suggest that he learn not only "when to hold 'em" but also "when to walk away."

Marvin the Martian

2004-12-30T13:56:00.000-08:00

This anecdote comes from a librarian at another branch and just goes to show you that sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction...

On Tuesday night, a patron approached the reference desk with a question.

"I've been hearing that white whales and aliens are responsible for the TUnamis [sic] that are killing all those people."

S., the librarian, steels herself for the big question.

"So, what I was wondering is....can you tell me which planet the aliens are from that are causing the TUnamis [sic]?"

I asked S. what she said.

"I said the only thing I could say. I...don't...know."

Ain't life grand?

The Cat Pee Lady

2004-12-29T14:41:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, working in a library can be very very unpleasant.

We have a bookdrop for the return of library materials at the front. The clerks are responsible for emptying this bookdrop and returning the items inside. Unfortunately, the bookdrop can often be like a box of chocolates...you never know what you are going to get.

For a period of time, when you would stick your hands into the bookdrop and pull out a stack of books, you would find that your hands would be covered in a foul-smelling sticky substance. Yes, my friends, the books were covered in cat pee. And they were brand new books that had only circulated once. We had to throw all of them away. This happened several times until finally, we caught the perp. It was a little old lady and my boss did the honors of slapping handcuffs on her and taking her away. Actually, she just gently told her about the problem. But wouldn't it be funny to send something to jail for cat pee digressions?

Ah, the bookdrop. So many adventures in one place...

The Circular Logic Phenomenon

2004-12-27T13:58:00.000-08:00

One thing that I have learned during my time at the library is that people will slowly try to lure you into insanity with their faulty logic and reasoning.

For example, at one time, the library allowed unlimited renewals on items. When you renewed an item, it would renew from that very day. So, if a book was due on January 3 and you renewed it on December 27, it would be due three weeks from Dec. 27. Does that makes sense? Well, evidently it didn't to a lot of people. I had one woman get furious with me when I renewed all of her items instead of just one. She insisted I was causing her to "lose" time. I tried to explain that she had unlimited renewals and that she was still getting an additional three weeks but she drew me into her web of circular logic and tried to confuse me.

"By renewing it early, you are causing me to LOSE three days! It wasn't due yet and now I won't have as much time!"

"But...you can still renew it again and you still have three more weeks."

"NO! Don't you see?!! I've just lost three days because of you!"

I started to sweat. She was pulling me into her maze of circular logic. Could she be right? Did I just rob her of three days of delicious bookreading? What am I? Some sort of animal?! Am I mad?!

In the end, I gave up trying to explain it to her. But it really caused me to doubt myself. And that is death for a library worker.

Today, I got into a ridiculous argument with a gentleman who refused to give me his card number to reserve a computer. He shook his head and said, "No, YOU put YOUR card in to reserve the computer for me."

"Uh, I'm not using my card, sir."

"Well, I'm not going to give you MY card number. YOU use YOURS!"

I started thinking that maybe I was on Candid Camera. Then again, why the hell was I standing there arguing about this with this lunatic? Am I going mad?!

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy...

The Candy Collections Lady

2004-12-23T14:00:00.000-08:00

Okay, this is one from today.

This older lady comes over to the circ desk and she appears visibly agitated. She immediately starts complaining to my co-worker E. that she has had a book about candy-making on hold for OVER A MONTH and we only have ONE COPY and the woman who has it checked out WON'T RETURN IT!!!

She said we should consider that stealing and that we should call the woman at home and insist that she return the book. E. tried to explain that we never know the circumstances involved and we don't place personal calls about returning items.

Again, the patron goes on about how she has had this book on hold OVER A MONTH and it's the ONLY COPY and she needs it for making candy for Christmas and the woman who has it checked out WON'T RETURN IT and that should be considered the SAME AS STEALING!
And we should go out and GET THE BOOK BACK!

Who knew that candy-making books could inspire such passion?! Maybe we should hire this woman as our collections person. She could track down all the baking, cooking and candy books that people seem to REFUSE TO RETURN! What sweet revenge that would be.

Danny, the Wonder Boy

2004-12-22T15:36:00.000-08:00

At one of the library branches I used to work at, there was a little boy named Danny who would always come in with his dad. Danny was probably about 3 years old when I knew him.

He was so cute. Very serious and thoughtful. When I would offer him his choice of stickers, he would always put a lot of thought into his choice.

Danny's father was really into Classical music and he would order a lot of CDs. He would always get Danny excited when they came in.

"Hey Danny, we got Beethovan today. Yea!!!"

Danny would jump up and down about Beethovan like most kids get excited about Elmo.

Here are my two favorite Danny stories:

1) One day, Danny asked his father what a sign said. I don't remember what the text was but all the words began with the same letter. After his dad read it to him, Danny said, "Hey Daddy! That's alliteration." My jaw hit the floor. Danny's father told me he had just learned about what alliteration was. I have decided that if I have kids, they will be listening to Classical music.

2) One day, Danny came in wearing the cutest little sunglasses. He and his dad were picking up the latest Sheryl Crow CD. When Danny saw what they were getting, he started jumping up and down and shouting something I couldn't understand. I turned to his father for a translation. His dad said, "He's saying 'Soak up the sun.' He loves that song." I had a vision of Danny sitting in his carseat with his sunglasses on, the wind blowing through his hair, singing along to "Soak Up the Sun." It made my day.

Please feed your library workers

2004-12-21T16:25:00.000-08:00

Here's something you may not know about your local library workers...we live for treats. Usually, around the holiday season, some of our patrons bring us treats. Cookies, cakes, chocolates. mmmmm...

It's a time of year we really look forward to. And I'm not too bashful about dropping hints to customers either.

My favorite form of hint-dropping is when a customer is checking out cookbooks about baking or desserts. I joke that they have to bring us samples of whatever they cook. "Sorry ma'am, library policy."

So, think of your poor starving library workers this holiday season. Here's a little known fact about library workers...we're sugar-powered. It's true. Sad, but true.

Nicknames

2004-12-16T09:49:00.000-08:00

You may have noticed that we like bestowing epithets on our customers and co-workers. I thought that today I'd share some other epithets with you and the reasons behind them. Again, some are from our Barnes and Noble days....

"Cakelicker"--This guy got an erotic cake for his birthday in the shape of a pair of breasts. He loved being photographed licking the cake. Weird.

"Stuntc**k"--This guy couldn't stop talking about how hilarious the movie "Orgazmo" was and really liked one particular scene so this name sort of stuck.

"Little Debbie Snackcakes"-- She was short, cute and round and her name was Debbie. 'Nuff said.

"Caligula"--This woman dressed for work like a cocktail waitress with thigh-high boots and mini-skirts. And she would go to the shelf for customers' holds and bend over without bending her knees thus giving everyone a show.

"Yvanehtnioj"--This nickname comes from the "Simpsons" episode where people were being brainwashed into joining the Navy. We had a very unpleasant co-worker who was dating a military person and she was dyslexic. So this name seemed to fit. (hint: read the nickname backwards)

"Oreo Cake"--A co-worker who just adored cakes make out of Oreos. Who knows the inner workings of the human heart?

"Johnny Shellshocked"--This customer is a veteran and he is a little too intense. He kind of scare us a little bit. But he served his country and I appreciate that.

"Smokey Lonesome"--This is a poor homeless man who comes and sits in the library all day during the winter. He looks so sad. We've tried to give him coats and blankets but he always refuses.

"Neo"--This guy walks around town EVERY day dressed all in black with his hair pulled back into a ponytail. He wears a long black duster and sunglasses. I think he believes he's in the "Matrix." It's just a movie, friend.

"Cyber-Bitch"--This is one of the most unpleasant people I have ever met. She only comes into the library to use computers and if the least little thing goes wrong, she throws a fit. It always amazes me how her level of anger doesn't match the incident. The most minor thing can throw her into a tremendous rage. It's quite a sight to behold.

These names are not meant to be cruel. It's just a way to talk about people in code. You know.

The Glove Lady

2004-12-15T15:23:00.000-08:00

The Glove Lady is something of a local phenomenon. We first encountered her at Barnes and Noble. She is very very eccentric. But the most glaring aspect of her eccentricity is the pair of plastic gloves that she wears everywhere that she goes. These are not your average garden-variety gloves. She wears yellow dishwashing gloves that go to her elbows. And she conducts all of her business this way. At B&N, she loaded up the desk at the cashwrap with piles of magazines and books over the course of 30-45 minutes. After G. rang up this ginormous pile of merchandise, she proceeded to pay for it with a giant wad of cash. He marveled as she peeled off bill after bill to pay. It was weird. And he worried about the gloves. Should he be worried? Was he dealing with an anthrax situation?

When G. related this tale to others outside of the B&N sphere, they knew the woman right away. People see her walking around town with her bright yellow gloves. And sometimes, she frequents the library, leaving us with many unanswered questions.

Glove lady, why do you wear your gloves? Are you afraid of OUR germs? Are you protecting us from YOUR germs? Are you just crazy?

Maybe we'll never know.

Mr. "Me Love You Long Time"

2004-12-13T13:54:00.000-08:00

There is this really creepy guy who always comes in with dark sunglasses and dyed blonde hair. He's probably in his mid-forties and is always printing out things about Go-Go dancers and prostitutes in Thailand. He seems to want to get the latest info on cost and disease. For example, I've seen printouts for him about how much oral sex costs in Thailand as opposed to other forms of sex. He seems to be looking for sex in the five dollar range. I have also seen him looking at "brides" from overseas. He also checks out dance club music. Which is odd.

The women that work at this branch always groan when they see this guy come in because he is so creepy. Everyone is thinking..."what's going on behind those dark glasses? What erotic thoughts are brewing under that dyed blonde hair?"

Yuck.

The Queen of the Non Sequiturs

2004-12-09T11:25:00.000-08:00

There is an older lady that comes into the library regularly. She is a perfectly sweet person but the strangest things come out of her mouth.

One day, out of the blue, she asked me if I had ever been to Montana. "The people are so nice there. Don't you think?"

I guess.

Today, while I was checking her out, she came out with, "Don't you like it when it's windy? I mean, when there's a nice breeze?"

I guess.

Once, she refused to tell me her name to pick up printouts because she was afraid her identity would be stolen. "Don't you think someone could do that? Just by getting your name?"

I guess.

I'll have to keep adding to this one because there are just so many good ones. It's hard to remember them all.

Mr. Inarticulate

2004-12-08T11:20:00.000-08:00

My co-worker G. is very very intelligent and well-read but sometimes he has a little trouble with pronouncing words.

One bright library afternoon, a man came in and handed G. a note describing a certain car in the parking lot that had its lights on. He asked if G. would make an announcement about it.

For one brief moment, I saw a look of panic in G.'s eyes. He then let out a big sigh and turned on the intercom.

"Attention, library patrons. We have a white VULVA with its lights on. A white VULVA with its lights on. Thank you."

All of us, including the patrons, collapsed into hysterics. He laughed too but seemed a little defensive.

"Well! How IS it pronounced anyway?!"

"VOL-vo, G! VOL-vo!"

The library is non-stop fun.

The Pedophobe

2004-12-06T10:36:00.000-08:00

An older gentleman came into the library the other day and decided to lodge a complaint with me. He said he was tired about all the children running around the library. He said that once storytime is over we should "get all these kids out of here!" He said if they aren't old enough to read, they have no place in the library.

He happened to come in after storytime one day and said kids under five were running wild around the library unsupervised. He said (with total sincerity) that he thought about going home and calling the police to tell them there was "a riot at the library." I referred him to my boss. After all, I don't get paid enough to deal with old men who hate children. Although, it would have been funny to see the police show up to quell a "riot" of three-year-olds.

The Lotion Lady

2004-12-02T15:33:00.000-08:00

My co-worker E. was working along happily one day when I woman snuck around the side of the counter and tried to get E.'s attention.

The woman whispered, "Excuse me. I'm sorry to bother you but I can't leave the library and I really need some lotion. My hands are just so dry! Do you have any lotion I could have?"

E. paused for a moment and then headed to the staff room to get our staff lotion. E. squirted two squirts in the lady's hand and then went back to work.

The lady seemed eternally grateful. Evidently, dry hands are a horrible affliction when you are stuck in the library.

So, you can add "personal grooming product supplier" to our list of library services.

I hear that with all the budget cuts going on, we will now only be able to give customers ONE squirt of lotion in the future. Just FYI.

The Library...Your Neighborhood Answering Service

2004-12-02T15:23:00.000-08:00

Most of our library branches are in residential neighborhoods. Some of our neighbors are pleasant. Others are not.

Today, I received a phone call with a man asking "Is Joe Trujillo there?" I responded that no one works here by that name. The man said, "Yeah, he's your neighbor. He lives next door to you."

I told him I had no idea if "Joe Trujillo" was in the library. What exactly did he expect me to do? Page the guy? Or walk out of the library, go next door, and tell the neighbor he had a phone call at the library?

I guess now we need to add "answering service" to our list of library services along with "Office Depot substitute."

Next they'll be asking for sodas and snacks.

Oh, wait....they already do that.

The Lord of the Ring

2004-12-02T09:40:00.000-08:00

This happened to my co-workers this morning so I hope I relate it faithfully.

A man came in and demanded a three-hole punch. My co-worker E. brought one out to him and then he asked her to take it to the back and punch his papers FOR him. (again, we're not Office Depot people) E. refused and he seemed very put out by this.

He moved over and started punching his paper but he was putting way too much inside the three-hole punch and was having difficulty. All the while he was muttering to himself. My co-worker G. thought had asked him a question so he asked the customer to repeat himself.

The man said he was simply thinking about his ring and gestured to what was probably his wedding ring. He said, "This is symbol of my wife's and my commitment to wait for God."

Huh?

Then he said to G., "Just remember that the next time you see this ring."

Huh?

G. got really creeped out by the guy. Something is not right there.

Hey everybody, I need an old priest and a young priest! I think we need an exorcism performed here.

The Old Death's Head

2004-12-01T16:17:00.000-08:00

There is a man who comes into the library that we all dread. He causes problems for each and every one of us. Although, he hates women, so the men have it a little easier. He is vaguely Hispanic so he likes to pull the race card on us occasionally. And he is verbally abusive and aggressive. I feel like we don't get paid enough to deal with jerks like this guy but it's practically all in a day's work. He is an older gentleman and I like to call him the "Old Death's Head." Because he looks like a grinning Death's head.

This man wants special treatment all the time. He wants handwritten receipts and other little perks that we just don't offer. And when he doesn't get them, he throws a little temper tantrum. He has called me stupid and other unsavory epithets. And he loves to argue with you so that you are driven into a rage and have to storm off. He made me so angry one day that I handed him off to my boss and told him he could complain about me. My boss backed me up. There are notes about this man and his exploits from all over the library system. We finally got him thrown out after months of abuse but because our system doesn't value its employees and doesn't care about protecting them, they allowed him to come back after a few months. And now, we are dealing with him again.

When I see the Old Death's Head coming in nowadays, I pass him off to one of my co-workers. I figure I've put in my time with this jerk. He's now becoming a right of passage for new library workers. We like to haze the new guys by letting them deal with the Old Death's Head. It's interesting how someone so awful can become a library hazing tradition.

The Truth about Frog and Toad

2004-11-30T13:18:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, customers really amaze me. And not in a good way.

A few years ago, a man came up to me in the Children's section and asked me to recommend a good classic children's book for a young boy just learning to read. I enthusiastically suggested the "Frog and Toad" series. For those of you not familiar with this series, it is about two buddies named Frog and Toad who have adventures together. They are written by Arnold Lobel. I remembered reading them as a child and thought a young boy would enjoy them.

The father took one look at them and shoved them back at me saying, "Uh uh. Pick something else." He seemed so opposed to Frog and Toad that I said, "May I ask why?"

His response: "Because....Frog and Toad are gay."

WHAT?!! Let me get this straight. (no pun intended) This crazy guy is OUTING FROG AND TOAD?!

I shudder to think about his stance on Bert and Ernie.

Library Patrons Say the Darndest Things

2004-11-29T11:48:00.000-08:00

These anecdotes come to us from another library branch in our system...

1. A Little Old Lady (is it more PC to say an elderly patron?) approached the desk - she apologized profusely for not having rewound the movies before returning them, but she just couldn't figure out how to do it......they were DVDs.

2.
There's a customer who comes in, pretty much every week, and checks out 7 DVDs and 20 VHS....y'know, movies to get through the week. Not sure he's ever checked out a book. He came in the other day and up to the counter with his weekly movie collection for checkout. Right next to him at the counter came a woman, known to be a book reader, but she's got a stack of movies on this day. She steps up and says "Oh, this is so embarrassing, all I'm checking out is movies, not even one book - how embarassing, I can't believe someone would come to the library and get only movies!". "Movie Guy", right next to her, just gathered up his items, gave her a brief sidelong look, and departed!

3. Then there's the guy who came dashing in at 5:00pm - apologizing for coming in so close to closing time. I told him we close at 5:30, so no problem. He then jovially declared "OK, so I'm pretty much just an idiot....here are my books on Time Management, which I clearly didn't read, since they are a few weeks late now. Sorry, I'm an idiot, and what do I owe you?"

The Candy Man

2004-11-23T14:11:00.000-08:00

Some of our customers are very pleasant and sweet. Even when they are a little eccentric.

One such customer was someone we will call The Candy Man.

The Candy Man would walk to the library every day from wherever he lived. There was almost a script to what he would say.

He would walk in and invariably say, "It's a beautiful day outside."
Then he would comment on our clothing. He loved bright colors and he would point to some bright piece of clothing and say, "Nice colors!"

One day, I was wearing some plain black or otherwise nondescript color scheme and he pointed to me and said, "Drab!"

It kind of hurt my feelings but it was also a little funny.

After making his daily comments, he would distribute a piece of hard candy to each of us working that day. He would go through this routine every day.

Some days, you were just tired and didn't feel like going through this little routine. But he was always pleasant and always gave us candy. And you knew that his trip to the library was probably the highlight of each day.

The Candy Man died about a year ago. And I miss his antics. His routine had become part of the routine of my day too. And I always enjoyed his hard candy.

Library Worker Pet Peeves

2004-11-22T16:00:00.000-08:00

First of all, please note that under each post there is a comment engine. Feel free to make comments. We want to know you're reading us...

So, on to our favorite pet peeves...

1. I personally hate giving out plastic bags. I don't mind giving them to elderly people or handing them out in bad weather, but the rest of the time I hate it. It just really makes me crazy because handing out loads of plastic bags reminds me of how greedy people at the library can be.

2. Which bring me to pet peeve #2: People who check out LOADS of DVDs and videos. Seriously, how many movies can you watch in a week? I always have visions of these people doing nothing but sitting on their fat bottoms all the time watching t.v. To me, it speaks to the worst part of American culture. And by checking out so many videos and DVDs at one time, people always whine about getting bags. Maybe you shouldn't check out so much. Then you wouldn't need a bag!

3. Why is it that when there are four circulation computers and three staff members at the desk, customers ALWAYS go and stand at the one computer NOT occupied by a staff member? That drives me crazy! Why wouldn't you wait at a computer that actually has a staff member at it?! Do they simply believe that a magical clerk will appear at the empty computer? It makes no sense!

4. Don't use the excuse "Well, my taxes pay for this library!" Chances are you pay no more than $25/month to use the library. Probably a lot less. That gets you about two paperbacks from Barnes and Noble or 8 video/DVD rentals from Blockbuster. Most people get way more than that for free at the library. And then they whine about a 20 cent fine. Quit whining! Your tax money doesn't begin to cover the benefits you get from the library!

5. Don't constantly call to see what you have on hold. You ordered it. Don't you know what you have on hold? Also, you can do all that stuff online. You don't need to call us for that.

6. Yes, I have to have your library card or a photo ID. I can't just look you up by name. I don't know you. And, after all, you can't just go to the grocery store without your wallet and say, "You know who I am. Just put it on my account."

7. It's pronounced "library" not "liberry."

The Muzak Lady

2004-11-22T13:45:00.000-08:00

We all know that libraries are supposed to be quiet places, right? Well, they aren't anymore. But we certainly don't have music on an intercom system like some stores. Well, one day, this older lady came in and asked me what the name of the music was that was playing. I paused for a moment trying to think of how to answer that. Finally, I said, "I'm sorry, I don't hear anything. We don't play music in the library. Perhaps you are hearing someone's personal radio or something." She thanked me and walked off. A little while later she came back to the Circulation Desk and asked my co-worker the same question. He tried to argue with her that there was no music playing but she was quite insistent. She even hummed a little of it for him. Finally, my co-worker gave up, hummed along with her and said, "Yeah, I think it's Neil Diamond." She seemed happy with that answer and went merrily on her way. I guess sometimes you just need to play along and tell people what they need to hear. Even if they are completely nuts.

Show Your Librarian Appreciation

2004-11-22T09:09:00.000-08:00

This anecdote was passed on to me by a librarian at another branch.

Part of a librarian's job description should be "mindreader." It can be difficult to ascertain what a customer is asking for sometimes. One day, a customer came in with the question, "Do you have the movie where these people find a Coke bottle?" Now, some of you may be able to guess what movie this customer was talking about. But, contrary to popular belief, librarians do not know every book ever written and every movie ever made. Because of her excellent knowledge of information technology, this librarian was finally able to find the movie. "The Gods Must Be Crazy." It never ceases to amaze me how a librarian can go from some miniscule piece of information to finding the exact item that a customer wants.

Ask a Stupid Question...

2004-11-21T10:12:00.000-08:00

Several of us came to the library from the retail book world. So, I'm going to include stories from the retail world of books as well. Just because they are so good.

Working in a library, you often get asked some really stupid questions. Here are some of our favorites (including some asked at Barnes and Noble):

"Where is your non-fiction section?" (all you can do as a library worker is indicate 3/4 of the library with the sweep of your arm)

"Who wrote Dante's Inferno?" (this one comes from B&N)

"Where are your books by anonymous? I just loved his Primary Colors!"

"You mean I actually have to PAY library fines?!"

"I've been looking in the Home Improvement section but I can't seem to find where you keep your books by Tim "the Toolman" Taylor."

Here's a recent story with a great question. I thought I had heard them all. A woman came up to me and asked if I had any staples. I told her she could borrow our stapler and use it at the Circulation Desk. She said, "No, I don't want your stapler. I want staples to refill MY stapler." And she held up a stapler. Do we look like Office Depot?!!

At Barnes and Noble, a woman we will call "Psycho Soccer Mom" came in to the store and I got to help her. She looked like your average wealthy suburban housewife. Pretty dress. Nice hair and makeup. She told me she was looking for a star guide. I took her over to our small Astronomy section and showed her a few glow-in-the-dark maps of the night sky. She told me that that was what she wanted but that these weren't detailed enough. I looked at her blankly until she said,"Well, I'm going to Venus soon and I need a map to know how to get there." Well, there was only one way to answer that. "Lady, I can tell you right now this star map ain't gonna get you to Venus." Trying to be helpful and to quickly usher her out of the store, I suggested she try a science supply store. She thanked me for my help and headed out the door in her quest for a better map to Venus. Good luck, Crazy Lady!

Mr. Spock

2004-11-19T11:04:00.000-08:00

It's so hard to know where to begin. There are so many good stories and so many "interesting" patrons to talk about.

Here's an early one for you:

At one branch that I worked at, I had to deal with an eccentric Sci-Fi buff. Let's call him...Mr. Spock. He was short with a pronounced tummy and balding with his black hair pulled back into a short ponytail. And he wore wire-rim glasses. Mr. Spock would typically put many many Sci-Fi videos and DVDs on hold at the library. Especially things like Star Trek. (Now before you start thinking I'm prejudiced against Sci-Fi buffs, don't. I'm a Sci-Fi buff too) He also had ridiculous expectations of the staff. He asked that we personally call him when he had holds that came in. He didn't trust the automated system. If we did this for every customer, that would be all we could do in a day.

Well, one day, Mr. Spock came in and started ranting about the fact that we had SO many books about the Holocaust but nothing from any other perspective. He insisted there were other points of view about WWII that should be represented. Then, he said, "You probably have all these Holocaust books because of all the Jews in the area."

Right.

I think it's time for Scotty to beam you up, Mr. Spock and leave the rest of us rational people to our work.

In the beginning there was the Dewey Decimal System...

2004-11-18T15:39:00.000-08:00

We are the tired and the downtrodden, the disillusioned and the irritated.

We are your library workers and these are the days of our lives...

These are the chronicles of the craziness that we deal with on a day to day basis. The stories are true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. (actually, just to prevent a lawsuit) These stories come from an unnamed library system somewhere deep in the heart of the West. May our pain become your pleasure...